Chapter Ten – Comfortable in Barnes and Noble

    When I feel like I am in need of answers I go to Barnes and Noble. I don't always find my answers there but I surround myself with what I feel are the answers to all the questions of the universe. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? Now that I know what I am supposed to do how do I do it? What if people don't like what I do? What if they like what I do too much? How do I teach this to my kids? How do I make money with this new found wisdom? Why do I worry about such things?

    All these questions can be answered just by strolling through my favorite Barnes and Noble. What makes it even more comforting is that I can eat and drink while I am there making my way through my self imposed labyrinth. I can't do this at my local library. They don't have a Starbucks or even a Barnes and Noble Café where I can pick up a 'tall regular drip no room for cream' (no foofy drinks for me) and a slice of pumpkin loaf. I just love the experience. I love surrounding myself with thousands of other writers, and I love the fact that even when I tell myself that everything has already been written there are people out there still pounding away at their keyboards. They cover the same topics in a different way and each month new books become available for people like me who want to plug into the wisdom and even the idiocy of the universe.

    I needed to be in B & N today. I needed to know that others had felt what I am going through. I wanted to know others suffered and searched for answers and came out at the end of their dark tunnel with a new found faith in God, the universe, their fellow man and even perhaps themselves. I was there that day looking for my answer to my question of 'What am I going to do?'

     "Yes, ma'am, how can I help you?" asked a lovely young lady from behind the customer service desk. She looked as if she was 16 years old. She reminded me of what Nancy Drew would have looked like had she been real. She was young yet very mature. Young and very intelligent. Perhaps she had the answer to what I was looking for.

    "Yes, I was looking for books with the cure to cancer in them. Do you have any of those?" I asked as if expecting a positive answer. Something like, "Yes, we have quite a few. People come in every day and buy them and then cure themselves within a week's time. They're just over here…"

"Well, we have books about cancer. Would you like for me to show you where they are?" She was young and very polite."Yes, thanks" I replied and followed her up the escalator and to health and diet section.

Do you have any idea how many books about Cancer there are? There were two full rows about cancer. Hopefully somewhere among all these books was my answer. I thought to myself if one of these books holds the answer for me then why isn't it flying off the shelves? I looked around. Perhaps no one knows about these books. As I looked I noticed that some of the books had been placed back into the shelf upside down. I guess someone had been through these looking for an answer. Did they not find it? Would I find it?

     I just knew I would find my answer there in some small insignificant tome that had been written 80 years ago and whose author was long gone. That's why the answer wasn't well known to the rest of us in this day and age. It was hidden among the older volumes. I searched. I looked with my head sideways reading the spines of the books.

    I grabbed five books that looked interesting and looked for a place to settle for the next few minutes while I looked through them. I turned the corner and there it was, the most comfortable looking chair I had ever seen. And no one sitting in it. Today must be my lucky day! Well, sort of. I made my way to the chair and placed the books at my feet. I stashed my purse to the left of me between the chair and my body and grabbed a book: The pH Miracle for Living. Hmmm. I liked the title. I needed a miracle, but I had no idea what pH had to do with it. I started to read the book.

An older woman sat in the chair next to me with her younger daughter perched on her lap looking through a children's picture book. I thought to myself, has she had cancer?
Will she have cancer one day? Will her daughter have cancer one day? Would she remember how it felt not to have cancer?

    Before cancer. Will my life's timeline now take on the acronyms BC for before cancer? What would AD stand for? After death … no … quit thinking that way. AD could stand for After denial, after doctors, after diagnosis … after diagnosis. That would make sense. What happens after diagnosis? I turned my attention back to reading the book. A few more pages later I looked up to glance at two older women having a conversation that was just above a whisper on the other side of the aisle from where I sat.

"You know she is doing remarkably well since her surgery. Poor thing, she had both breasts removed and they are about to start chemotherapy treatments. Her doctor seems to think they got it all. We visited her in the hospital last night. She looked terrible but who wouldn't after everything she has been through. We took her a birthday cake. Did you know yesterday was her fiftieth birthday. Who would have ever guessed this sort of thing would happen to her. I mean, she seemed so healthy." The other woman voiced her agreement and they walked away towards another section and hopefully found a better topic of conversation.

I could feel the relief in their voices that it was not they who were suffering from the disease. It was their friend and it was always easier to deal with if it was happening to someone else. I could not blame them for their sense of relief. I had felt the same way when I had heard of people who had been diagnosed with cancer. I was always glad it wasn't me.

    I turned back to my book and slumped a little lower into the chair. I was so tired from the stress of my search and so many sleepless nights. The chair was so comfortable. I continued my reading.

Wake Up: A Conversation About Thoughts

So many of you have written me about my book that I thought I would go ahead and put one of the most important chapters of it online for you. Here it is.

You have cancer. These have to be three of the most terrifying words in any language. I know that they were for me. I won’t bore you with the details of why I went to the doctor, how I was diagnosed and the several weeks that followed of my sleepless nights, my thoughts of why me and the fear that was deposited into my heart when I was told that if I did not do what the doctors suggested that I do I could be dead in a year (or sooner). I won’t bore you with that because frankly if you have been told you have cancer you don’t need a repeat of what you just went through, are going through or will go through and really you don’t have the time to waste your energy on negatives. What I am going to do is share with you what I did to take myself from a cancerous state to a non-cancerous state in 9 months time. You have chosen to spend your time to find an answer and I will not disappoint you. If you are willing to mentally take my hand and let me lead the way for you I will take you through this dark tunnel that you are in right now and we will both step out into the light of life once more. Take my hand and let us begin on this journey. I have travelled this path and I know how you feel, what you are thinking and just how afraid you are right this minute. Don’t be afraid. Fear is not a part of our journey together. Let’s get started …

First of all, if you were sitting across the table from me right now I would look into your eyes and tell you that you can be healthy again. You can live a life that is even better than the one you were living before you received your diagnosis. As a matter of fact you were responsible for this diagnosis in the first place. Wait a minute, before you throw this book away; let’s chat a bit about why you are where you are.

No matter what diagnosis you have received you caused it by choices you made in your life. One thing I know for sure is this. When I was diagnosed and I went searching the world over to find a cure I spoke to a lot of doctors. I had told myself that if I could find a doctor who could tell me what caused this cancer that I would listen to him/her about how to get rid of it and how to prevent it from happening again. Do you know what I found out? No one that I was talking to knew. Not one of them who were suggesting that I get surgery and use chemo/radiation to combat this disease could tell me what caused it. Oh sure, they said things like heredity, poor health habits (smoking, drinking, etc), too much sun exposure, etc. But not one of them could really tell me what cancer is and why it had picked me out and how I was going to get rid of it and have it never, ever come back. They gave me statistics on survival rates that really weren’t all that promising. Who wants to live in fear that if they do get rid of it this time that it might come back two, ten, twenty years from now? I needed an answer and I needed it quick. Are you where I was?

Now, if you are one of those people who want to blame someone else for your cancer and want someone else to fix it for you then you might as well stop reading. You are not going to like what you are about to read. But if you are willing to take responsibility for getting where you are right now then you will be able to turn things around and choose to never go down this road again.
First things first. Right now say to yourself and write it down in the margins of this book. “At this very moment I realize that I am responsible for bringing this cancer into my body. Because I am responsible for it being here I am also responsible for getting rid of it. I accept full responsibility and am up to this challenge”.

Congratulations! You have just taken the most important step towards healing.

In order to take the second step I will need for you to get out a piece of paper (you can write on the back of this page if you want) and draw a vertical line down the middle of the page that will give you two columns. Now at the top of the left column right down the words ‘why I want to be healed’ and at the top of the right column right the words ‘why I want to have cancer’. I know. This is not going to be easy but stick with me. I did this myself and it helped me immensely
And it will help you.

Let’s begin writing. Write all the reasons you want to be cured --- actually these are reasons to live and happy and healthy life. I wrote things down like growing old with my husband, seeing my son get married and have children, building and living in a cabin on the side of a mountain in Colorado, having my grandchildren visit me during the holidays, making a difference in the world, etc. You get the drift of what to write. Write down whatever comes to your mind on why you want to live. When you have written down everything you can think of – this should be a long list – put down your pen.

Now, let’s talk a bit before we tackle the right side. This isn’t going to be easy but it has to be done. This is where you will have to be honest with yourself. Look, it’s not as if you will have to show this list to anyone else. Be honest. If you can’t be honest you can’t be healed. We all have two people living inside our bodies. We have the person who everyone else sees and then we have the person who is made up of all the things that we don’t like about ourselves. I want to talk to that person. That person is the one who will need to fill out the right side of the page.

Need help. Okay. I will bare my soul to help you. I am an overachiever. I have always been conscious of what other people thought of me. I lived my life to please others and I always needed the approval of others to give me my feeling of self worth. No one made me feel that way. I chose this for myself. Well, because of this choice I made, I developed through the years a deep seeded feeling of resentment. It was so deep that I didn’t even know I had it until I started trying to figure out why I had brought the cancer into my life. Now, with resentment comes this not so little thing called revenge. After all, if you resent something it’s certainly not because you love it. I resented that I worked so damn hard. I resented that I was getting older and didn’t have the things in live that I really wanted (not that I really knew what those were). I resented that I couldn’t say no to people without feeling guilty. I resented a lot of things (most of which didn’t make sense) but this list doesn’t have to make sense. Remember that, write down everything even if it doesn’t make sense. Somewhere in your brain it makes sense that’s why you feel this way.

Now, take a deep breath and get ready for this next shocker. Your revenge that you have planned because of this resentment is that you will somehow not be here to be taken advantage of and the world and all the people in it that make you feel this resentment will miss you and realize how hard you worked and all the sacrifices you made for them. The world will be sad and you will have gotten your revenge but in a way that people will feel sorry for you. You will not have to be strong anymore because you have cancer. You finally have an excuse to say no, you have a reason for the kids to come and visit or you spouse to take time away from work, sports and friends; to come to your aid and hold your hand and tell you how brave you are being. You have all these reasons for people to surround you and not take you for granted any longer. Pretty sick, huh? You don’t do this on purpose, or at least not consciously, but you are doing this.

Write this list down. You can’t go any further on your journey until you get things right with yourself. Shakespeare was a healer when he wrote ‘to thine own self be true’. Be truthful. Be brutally honest. This is going to save you.

Now put your pen down. Look at your list for your reasons for living. By now, if you are like me you have tears in your eyes but you may also have a smile on your face. All these reasons for living are what will keep you going on your journey towards healing. Now read through your list of why you brought on the cancer. Is there anything on that list that is more important than your living list? Is there anything on your ‘cancer’ list that is worth dying for?

At the bottom of the ‘living’ list I want you to write these words: “I am willing to do whatever it takes no matter how hard to make these things come true. I want to live a happy and healthy life.”

On the bottom of the ‘cancer’ list I want you to write: “I will be true to myself. I will say no. I will be the best me I can be and know that it is good enough.”

Now fold this paper in half dividing the two columns and put the list where you can read the ‘life’ column every day. Feel free to add other reasons for living as you continue on your journey. If you do happen to think of another reason you brought on the cancer add that to the ‘cancer’ list. From now on you will be true to yourself, you will no longer resent anyone else, your life or yourself. You will concentrate on your ‘life’ list.

You must hold yourself accountable to the promise that you made to yourself at the bottom of each list. No one else can do this for you.

Ready, to continue on our journey?

By now, you might be saying to yourself, I need to know how to cure this cancer. I don’t need to do any psychological work. Well, the work we just did has laid the groundwork for everything that comes after it. Your success hinges on your ability to stay the course. You are about to learn things about cancer that will blow your mind. Ready?

To be continued

The Hidden Book

I am sitting here at Starbucks, sipping on my peppermint tea and typing away on my little Neo realizing how wonderful life is right now. I am placing the finishing touches on my book and I have a long list of people already interested in purchasing it the minute it comes out. I am healthy and happy and compared to this time last year I am rocking and rolling.

This time last year I was exhausted and near panic. I had given myself until October to find the answer to my question of ‘what is cancer’ and more importantly ‘how can I cure myself of it’. I had promised friends and family that if I did not have my answers by October that I would have the surgery that the doctors were still pleading with me to have. It was a surgery that I did not want. After all, who in their right mind wants a partial radical mastectomy followed by chemo or radiation? I was running out of time and I needed an answer fast. I had exhausted most of my leads and was now down to daily searching of the internet for new blogs, press releases, anything that had to do with cancer and its possible cure.

I was sitting in my office twirling around in my chair like a four year old visiting her mom at the office. I had my clown nose on. Yes, you read right. My clown nose. It's red and is made of foam with a little slit in it that opens up just enough for my nose. I keep it in my desk and I pull it out and put it on whenever I feel that I am getting too serious about the cancer.

I know, cancer is supposed to be serious, but I always felt that I didn’t need to take it too seriously. Taking it seriously gave it more power and I didn’t want to give it any more power than it already had over my life. So the red foam clown nose is my cloak of invisibility. Whenever I wear it I become invisible to the cancer and anything that had to do with it. It keeps me safe and hidden away from the negative emails and letters that I received every day from ‘well meaning’ people who said that they were praying for me and that God wanted me to have the surgery and God made Doctors so that they could help people like me. I always laughed at this notion that God created cancer just so that he could keep the doctors busy. This was crazy talk but I was the one wearing the clown nose!

I finished my playtime with my nose and my chair and leaned back on my desk. I was facing my bookshelf. Now, I have to tell you that I am quite proud of my personal library. I believe that you can tell a lot about the personality of someone by looking at their library or lack of one. My library literally spoke volumes about me. It said I was hopeful, always searching, open minded, thoughtful and funny. It also said that I've been a reader all my life; a propensity that I received from my parents. If you can read and comprehend, you can find the answers to all life’s questions and teach yourself how to do anything.

That’s when I saw it. A paperback that had been slid pretty tightly, maybe even forced into much too small of a space, and placed upside down. I had to tilt my head to the left in order to read its spine. The pH Miracle by Dr. Robert O. Young and Shelley Redford Young. I remembered this book. I bought it several years ago looking for the secret of weight loss and had read half way through the book and decided that the program in the book was much too hard for someone who really was only wanting to lose five pounds. Ultimately, never having been known to throw away a book, I shelved it and forgot all about it.

So here I was head tilted looking at the book. I pulled or rather pried the book from the shelf and read the front, The pH Miracle, Balance Your Diet, Reclaim Your Life … hmmm, wasn’t that what I had been seeking desperately to do? Reclaim my life? I started reading and it all came back to me. This made total sense to me. It wasn’t written by a medical doctor but by a microbiologist and a nutritionist. These were people who weren't looking to turn me towards more surgery or chemo or radiation. They were just explaining to me what cancer was and wasn’t and how I could change my body so that the ‘cancer’ would not be part of it any longer.

I dove into the book and when I finally surfaced for air I was a different person. I had the hope. I had the courage; but most of all I had the answers. Take a deep breath and smile. Things are only going to get better. :) Peace and Blessings.