Monday, May 17, 2010

Chapter Fourteen - Wake Up: A Conversation About Thoughts

The Angel looked at me with a smile and asked me, ‘what are you thinking’. That seemed like a strange question coming from her since I was sure she knew what I was thinking.
“You know what I am thinking. Why are you even asking me?”
“You are right. I do know what you are thinking. The question is; do you know what you are thinking?”
I sat looking at her for a brief moment before replying, “Nothing, really.”
“That’s a lie. It is impossible for you to think of nothing in the state that you are in. You are constantly thinking of something and one thought leads to another and another and still another. They don’t make sense to you and because they aren’t organized you think that you are not thinking of anything but you are. And the more important thing to learn from this is that what you are thinking affects you body, mind and soul. It affects your life and what you give to it and get from it.”
She asked again, “What are you thinking?”
I sat looking at her and then turned inward. What was I thinking about? I was thinking about how my life right now really sucks. How this cancer should have never happened to me. How I wanted to believe everything she was telling me. How I wanted to believe that I wasn’t having some nervous breakdown and I was imagining all of this.
She sat staring at me as if she was reading the marquee that scrolled across my forehead with all my thoughts. She smiled.
I smiled back and shrugged my shoulders in resignation. I knew she could see it all. She could see that I hadn’t totally bought into these late night conversations. She could see that I even thought that I might be crazy.
She continued. “Your thoughts determine your life and what you make of it, what you get from it and what it allows to happen to you. Your thoughts are the instructions that your brain sends to your soul. Your soul then takes these thoughts and works with other energies to make what you think about become reality. Your soul’s main purpose is to make your thoughts become real.”
“Well, if that were true, I would be rich by now.” I stammered, thinking to myself that she would not be able to explain this one away.
“That’s true; you would be rich if that’s what you thought about in your deepest thoughts, the thoughts that make up your subconscious. But you think about being rich in the conscious level of your brain. Your soul doesn’t bother with conscious, surface thoughts. It only hears the deeper thoughts. The thoughts that make you who you are. The thoughts that continue to run in your brain when you are asleep. These are the thoughts that shape your life.”
“You buy a lottery ticket and tell yourself that you are going to win. It would be a nice thing and you could get rid of a lot of your problems and make the world a better place. But that’s where it stops. You don’t dwell on why you are going to win, how it will feel, why this is the route you must take in order to solve your problems and change the world. You don’t do these things because they are surface thoughts. Not deep thoughts.”
“You say you want to be healed but then you only think of your healing as something that needs to happen in order that your life can go on as it had in the past.”
“Your own deep thoughts brought this on. It allowed your soul to find the ways in which your body started to live in such a way that you ate the wrong foods, you drank the wrong liquids and you continued to live your life in order to prove out the subconscious thoughts that were not happy with life the way your were living it. You did not love your life and your resented the things that were happening to you. You, Kim, brought this upon yourself.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard,” I blurted out. “You are saying that I willed this cancer on me? That I wanted to kill myself? Now, I know you are nuts and since you are me I must be going crazy.”
She watched me as I breathed heavily trying to decide on whether or not I was done with this dream. It was then that she grabbed my hand for the first time and I felt a coolness flow through my body. It was as if the temperature of my blood had dropped 10 degrees.
“There were times in your life that you played the good girl. Always doing what people expected of you. Always being the martyr. Always swallowing your own wants and needs in order for others to have their own. This was selfish of you. By doing this you never allowed others to give back to you. You never allowed others to do something in which you could show gratitude. It was always you dealing with what you had determined were important things happening in your life and the lives of those around you. How did that make you feel? How did this victimless death affect you?”
She still had hold of my hand and I could feel my emotions coming out of me, not my brain, but my soul. I had died a victimless death. I wasn’t dead but I wasn’t living either. I lived each day in order to prove to others that I could handle anything and anyone. I could feel my blood begin to heat up as a strong feeling of resentment came over me. It wasn’t that I resented those who I had chosen to serve in my own sick way, I resented what I had put myself through. I resented that I knew what I was doing the entire time and still carried on the martyr’s march.
That feeling of resentment continued to grow and get hot and started to rise out of me in such a way that I thought that I would soon burst into flames and burn us both. She let go of my hand and at that very moment the red hot ball of resentment which had been above us now plummeted towards me and into my chest. I reeled backwards onto the bed and lay there sweating. I felt my right breast and felt the tumor. It was still there and the temperature of it was much hotter than the rest of my body. I knew that this tumor had been crafted through years of resentment.
I stared at her waiting for her to tell me what had just happened. She smiled and said these words, “You are not dreaming, this is real, pay attention and tell others.”

With those words I drifted off to sleep.

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