"I knew this was going to be a restless night." I said it out loud as I stared into my bathroom mirror washing my face and brushing my teeth. "I don't like being by myself at night," I said. Every little sound seemed amplified and my imagination did not need any coaxing to start its way down some sort of 'worse case scenario.'
All the books that I had seen on the bookshelf that day were swimming through my head. Who comes up with this stuff? I have to get some sleep. I am exhausted just from thinking and I really would like to go off to a dreamy vacation spot for at least five hours and pretend that everything is okay.
I know, I'll read. I went to my bookshelf and pulled a book that I had started and had yet to finish. It was something motivational. Lately I would start reading and then my mind would wander and I would finish a page and not remember what I read. It was happening again. I tossed the book on the bed to the right of me and settled in for what I knew would be another restless night's sleep. I closed my eyes.
I don't know how long I had been asleep when I heard, "What are you doing?"
I thought it was my husband until I realized that he was still travelling out of town. With eyes still closed, I waited another moment certain that I had heard something. Perhaps it was the refrigerator downstairs. I knew that it was just a matter of time before it went out completely and lately it had started making some strange noises.
"What are you doing?" There it was again. This time I knew someone else was in the darkened room with me and I felt a rush of heat as my heart began to pound. I mentally struggled to quickly determine if the book I had placed on the bed to the right of me would make much of a weapon against an intruder. "Kim, what are you doing?"
It was then that I realized whoever it was in the dark room with me knew my name and was female. I quickly reached for the light by the side of my bed and flipped it on. I turned in the direction from where I thought the voice came and stared straight into all too familiar eyes. They were mine and they were looking at me.
"Kim, what are you doing?" she asked once more and the sound of my own voice snapped me back into reality.
"I'm sitting here looking at me wondering if I'm still dreaming. Am I or maybe the stress of the search and me second guessing myself has finally taken its toll?"
"No, this is real. Well, as real as it can be at 2am in the morning." She replied.
"What's going on here? Why am I looking at me and why do you keep asking me what I am doing?"
I stared straight at me. Yes, me. It was like looking into a mirror except somehow the reflection was a bit different. Different in a good way. She seemed younger, her skin seemed smoother and her smile seemed brighter. She sat there smiling at me and I sat there with my heart pounding out of my chest. I have often wondered what it would feel like if I ever saw a ghost. This was as close to that feeling as I ever wanted to get.
When I was younger, after my grandfather had died I thought I heard him calling my name in the middle of the day and when I turned I imagined I had seen a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. They say that most apparitions are seen through the corner of people's eyes. Why not right in front of us? I don't know. Maybe that's what keeps us guessing as to whether or not there are such things as ghosts or spirits. Here I was looking at what seemed to be my ghost or my spirit not out of the corner of my eye but right in front of me and she was smiling. I said nothing for what seemed like a full minute and then I whispered 'is this a dream?'
I, or she, answered, "No this is not a dream, this is real. I have a message to you from God. I've come to talk to you because you have asked a question that you and others like you want and need to know the answer to. I have come because you have opened the door. It is a small door but it is an opening none the less. Shall we get started?'
Started? Started with what? It was as if she read my thoughts.
'I am here to talk about your body. The body that you are in right now. The one that you feel is challenging you. I am here to tell you how it works. Let's start.'
That's how it began. No introduction, no light from heaven with a celestial choir, no "Fear not.
nothing but, "Let's start."
She stretched out her arms over her head and rolled her neck as if working out a kink, "I had to come to you because you were getting too confused. You already know the answers but you keep looking for something that isn't there. I'm here to get you back on the right path."
"The right path? I'm sitting here in the middle of the night talking to myself, literally, talking to myself. I'd say that I am no where close to the right path. I must be hallucinating. That's it. Maybe the cancer has spread to my brain and now I am seeing and hearing things." I felt a huge knot come up in my stomach at that time with the realization that maybe I was killing myself slowly.
"No, you're not dying. You just can't hear yourself because all of the crap … "
She stopped in mid sentence listening to what I was thinking and smiled.
"Kim, I am you, you say crap, I say crap. Shall I go on?"
I nodded and she continued … " as I was saying, you can't hear yourself because of all the rubbish that you keep reading and listening to regarding this cancer. I am here to tune you back into what you already know. But first, you'll need to go back to sleep. As long as you are awake I can't get through to you without being interrupted. Good night."
And with that my head hit my pillow and I began to dream.