Chapter Eleven – The Midnight Meeting

    "I knew this was going to be a restless night." I said it out loud as I stared into my bathroom mirror washing my face and brushing my teeth. "I don't like being by myself at night," I said. Every little sound seemed amplified and my imagination did not need any coaxing to start its way down some sort of 'worse case scenario.'

    All the books that I had seen on the bookshelf that day were swimming through my head. Who comes up with this stuff? I have to get some sleep. I am exhausted just from thinking and I really would like to go off to a dreamy vacation spot for at least five hours and pretend that everything is okay.

    I know, I'll read. I went to my bookshelf and pulled a book that I had started and had yet to finish. It was something motivational. Lately I would start reading and then my mind would wander and I would finish a page and not remember what I read. It was happening again. I tossed the book on the bed to the right of me and settled in for what I knew would be another restless night's sleep. I closed my eyes.

    I don't know how long I had been asleep when I heard, "What are you doing?"

    I thought it was my husband until I realized that he was still travelling out of town.  With eyes still closed, I waited another moment certain that I had heard something.  Perhaps it was the refrigerator downstairs.  I knew that it was just a matter of time before it went out completely and lately it had started making some strange noises. 

       "What are you doing?"  There it was again. This time I knew someone else was in the darkened room with me and I felt a rush of heat as my heart began to pound.  I mentally struggled to quickly determine if the book I had placed on the bed to the right of me would make much of a weapon against an intruder.  "Kim, what are you doing?" 
        It was then that I realized whoever it was in the dark room with me knew my name and was female. I quickly reached for the light by the side of my bed and flipped it on.  I turned in the direction from where I thought the voice came and stared straight into all too familiar eyes.  They were mine and they were looking at me.

     "Kim, what are you doing?" she asked once more and the sound of my own voice snapped me back into reality.

    "I'm sitting here looking at me wondering if I'm still dreaming. Am I or maybe the stress of the search and me second guessing myself has finally taken its toll?"

    "No, this is real. Well, as real as it can be at 2am in the morning." She replied.

    "What's going on here? Why am I looking at me and why do you keep asking me what I am doing?"

    I stared straight at me. Yes, me. It was like looking into a mirror except somehow the reflection was a bit different. Different in a good way. She seemed younger, her skin seemed smoother and her smile seemed brighter. She sat there smiling at me and I sat there with my heart pounding out of my chest. I have often wondered what it would feel like if I ever saw a ghost. This was as close to that feeling as I ever wanted to get.

When I was younger, after my grandfather had died I thought I heard him calling my name in the middle of the day and when I turned I imagined I had seen a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. They say that most apparitions are seen through the corner of people's eyes. Why not right in front of us? I don't know. Maybe that's what keeps us guessing as to whether or not there are such things as ghosts or spirits. Here I was looking at what seemed to be my ghost or my spirit not out of the corner of my eye but right in front of me and she was smiling. I said nothing for what seemed like a full minute and then I whispered 'is this a dream?'

    I, or she, answered, "No this is not a dream, this is real. I have a message to you from God. I've come to talk to you because you have asked a question that you and others like you want and need to know the answer to. I have come because you have opened the door. It is a small door but it is an opening none the less. Shall we get started?'

    Started? Started with what? It was as if she read my thoughts.

    'I am here to talk about your body. The body that you are in right now. The one that you feel is challenging you. I am here to tell you how it works. Let's start.'

    That's how it began. No introduction, no light from heaven with a celestial choir, no "Fear not.
nothing but, "Let's start."

    She stretched out her arms over her head and rolled her neck as if working out a kink, "I had to come to you because you were getting too confused. You already know the answers but you keep looking for something that isn't there. I'm here to get you back on the right path."

    "The right path? I'm sitting here in the middle of the night talking to myself, literally, talking to myself. I'd say that I am no where close to the right path. I must be hallucinating. That's it. Maybe the cancer has spread to my brain and now I am seeing and hearing things." I felt a huge knot come up in my stomach at that time with the realization that maybe I was killing myself slowly.

    "No, you're not dying. You just can't hear yourself because all of the crap … "

    She stopped in mid sentence listening to what I was thinking and smiled.

    "Kim, I am you, you say crap, I say crap. Shall I go on?"

    I nodded and she continued … " as I was saying, you can't hear yourself because of all the rubbish that you keep reading and listening to regarding this cancer. I am here to tune you back into what you already know. But first, you'll need to go back to sleep. As long as you are awake I can't get through to you without being interrupted. Good night."

    And with that my head hit my pillow and I began to dream.

Chapter Ten – Comfortable in Barnes and Noble

    When I feel like I am in need of answers I go to Barnes and Noble. I don't always find my answers there but I surround myself with what I feel are the answers to all the questions of the universe. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? Now that I know what I am supposed to do how do I do it? What if people don't like what I do? What if they like what I do too much? How do I teach this to my kids? How do I make money with this new found wisdom? Why do I worry about such things?

    All these questions can be answered just by strolling through my favorite Barnes and Noble. What makes it even more comforting is that I can eat and drink while I am there making my way through my self imposed labyrinth. I can't do this at my local library. They don't have a Starbucks or even a Barnes and Noble Café where I can pick up a 'tall regular drip no room for cream' (no foofy drinks for me) and a slice of pumpkin loaf. I just love the experience. I love surrounding myself with thousands of other writers, and I love the fact that even when I tell myself that everything has already been written there are people out there still pounding away at their keyboards. They cover the same topics in a different way and each month new books become available for people like me who want to plug into the wisdom and even the idiocy of the universe.

    I needed to be in B & N today. I needed to know that others had felt what I am going through. I wanted to know others suffered and searched for answers and came out at the end of their dark tunnel with a new found faith in God, the universe, their fellow man and even perhaps themselves. I was there that day looking for my answer to my question of 'What am I going to do?'

     "Yes, ma'am, how can I help you?" asked a lovely young lady from behind the customer service desk. She looked as if she was 16 years old. She reminded me of what Nancy Drew would have looked like had she been real. She was young yet very mature. Young and very intelligent. Perhaps she had the answer to what I was looking for.

    "Yes, I was looking for books with the cure to cancer in them. Do you have any of those?" I asked as if expecting a positive answer. Something like, "Yes, we have quite a few. People come in every day and buy them and then cure themselves within a week's time. They're just over here…"

"Well, we have books about cancer. Would you like for me to show you where they are?" She was young and very polite."Yes, thanks" I replied and followed her up the escalator and to health and diet section.

Do you have any idea how many books about Cancer there are? There were two full rows about cancer. Hopefully somewhere among all these books was my answer. I thought to myself if one of these books holds the answer for me then why isn't it flying off the shelves? I looked around. Perhaps no one knows about these books. As I looked I noticed that some of the books had been placed back into the shelf upside down. I guess someone had been through these looking for an answer. Did they not find it? Would I find it?

     I just knew I would find my answer there in some small insignificant tome that had been written 80 years ago and whose author was long gone. That's why the answer wasn't well known to the rest of us in this day and age. It was hidden among the older volumes. I searched. I looked with my head sideways reading the spines of the books.

    I grabbed five books that looked interesting and looked for a place to settle for the next few minutes while I looked through them. I turned the corner and there it was, the most comfortable looking chair I had ever seen. And no one sitting in it. Today must be my lucky day! Well, sort of. I made my way to the chair and placed the books at my feet. I stashed my purse to the left of me between the chair and my body and grabbed a book: The pH Miracle for Living. Hmmm. I liked the title. I needed a miracle, but I had no idea what pH had to do with it. I started to read the book.

An older woman sat in the chair next to me with her younger daughter perched on her lap looking through a children's picture book. I thought to myself, has she had cancer?
Will she have cancer one day? Will her daughter have cancer one day? Would she remember how it felt not to have cancer?

    Before cancer. Will my life's timeline now take on the acronyms BC for before cancer? What would AD stand for? After death … no … quit thinking that way. AD could stand for After denial, after doctors, after diagnosis … after diagnosis. That would make sense. What happens after diagnosis? I turned my attention back to reading the book. A few more pages later I looked up to glance at two older women having a conversation that was just above a whisper on the other side of the aisle from where I sat.

"You know she is doing remarkably well since her surgery. Poor thing, she had both breasts removed and they are about to start chemotherapy treatments. Her doctor seems to think they got it all. We visited her in the hospital last night. She looked terrible but who wouldn't after everything she has been through. We took her a birthday cake. Did you know yesterday was her fiftieth birthday. Who would have ever guessed this sort of thing would happen to her. I mean, she seemed so healthy." The other woman voiced her agreement and they walked away towards another section and hopefully found a better topic of conversation.

I could feel the relief in their voices that it was not they who were suffering from the disease. It was their friend and it was always easier to deal with if it was happening to someone else. I could not blame them for their sense of relief. I had felt the same way when I had heard of people who had been diagnosed with cancer. I was always glad it wasn't me.

    I turned back to my book and slumped a little lower into the chair. I was so tired from the stress of my search and so many sleepless nights. The chair was so comfortable. I continued my reading.

Putting in your two cents

Hi friends,

I have received emails from so many of you commenting on how much you would like to share your thoughts on my blog. I do have that option but have chosen not to enable it. Why? Because, as so many of you may well be aware, not everyone is as nice and as hopeful and as concerned about doing the right thing as so many of you are.

Believe it or not there are people who would wish to share their negative thoughts with me and my readers telling us that living an alkaline lifstyle of alkaline food and water, thinking good thoughts, loving your fellow man and making a positive difference in the world is is not enough to cure whatever ails us. Reading such negative posts from people such as these is in itself part of an acidic lifestyle. I have chosen to live an alkaline lifestyle and therefore do not surround myself with acidic thoughts, things or people.

If you would like to comment about one of my blog posts please don't hesitate to email me. I would love for you to share your comments and your suggestions. I can always delete the negative ones. :)

Peace and Blessings.

Who Am I?

A Spirit who has come to this earth plane to learn a lesson of process. My process has to do with self understanding. I have come to help others find their way also. Not by leading but by being a light so that they can see their own path. Some will be travelling the same path as I. Some will journey towards different paths. My mission is to find my path and follow it and at the same time be a light for others. My mission is not to judge but to only light their way. I am not here to lead, therefore; I cannot and will not fear the pressure of leadership. I am not the standard by which others will hold themselves. I am only a light. The more I live my mission of self understanding the brighter my light will shine.

Wake Up: A Conversation About Thoughts

So many of you have written me about my book that I thought I would go ahead and put one of the most important chapters of it online for you. Here it is.

You have cancer. These have to be three of the most terrifying words in any language. I know that they were for me. I won’t bore you with the details of why I went to the doctor, how I was diagnosed and the several weeks that followed of my sleepless nights, my thoughts of why me and the fear that was deposited into my heart when I was told that if I did not do what the doctors suggested that I do I could be dead in a year (or sooner). I won’t bore you with that because frankly if you have been told you have cancer you don’t need a repeat of what you just went through, are going through or will go through and really you don’t have the time to waste your energy on negatives. What I am going to do is share with you what I did to take myself from a cancerous state to a non-cancerous state in 9 months time. You have chosen to spend your time to find an answer and I will not disappoint you. If you are willing to mentally take my hand and let me lead the way for you I will take you through this dark tunnel that you are in right now and we will both step out into the light of life once more. Take my hand and let us begin on this journey. I have travelled this path and I know how you feel, what you are thinking and just how afraid you are right this minute. Don’t be afraid. Fear is not a part of our journey together. Let’s get started …

First of all, if you were sitting across the table from me right now I would look into your eyes and tell you that you can be healthy again. You can live a life that is even better than the one you were living before you received your diagnosis. As a matter of fact you were responsible for this diagnosis in the first place. Wait a minute, before you throw this book away; let’s chat a bit about why you are where you are.

No matter what diagnosis you have received you caused it by choices you made in your life. One thing I know for sure is this. When I was diagnosed and I went searching the world over to find a cure I spoke to a lot of doctors. I had told myself that if I could find a doctor who could tell me what caused this cancer that I would listen to him/her about how to get rid of it and how to prevent it from happening again. Do you know what I found out? No one that I was talking to knew. Not one of them who were suggesting that I get surgery and use chemo/radiation to combat this disease could tell me what caused it. Oh sure, they said things like heredity, poor health habits (smoking, drinking, etc), too much sun exposure, etc. But not one of them could really tell me what cancer is and why it had picked me out and how I was going to get rid of it and have it never, ever come back. They gave me statistics on survival rates that really weren’t all that promising. Who wants to live in fear that if they do get rid of it this time that it might come back two, ten, twenty years from now? I needed an answer and I needed it quick. Are you where I was?

Now, if you are one of those people who want to blame someone else for your cancer and want someone else to fix it for you then you might as well stop reading. You are not going to like what you are about to read. But if you are willing to take responsibility for getting where you are right now then you will be able to turn things around and choose to never go down this road again.
First things first. Right now say to yourself and write it down in the margins of this book. “At this very moment I realize that I am responsible for bringing this cancer into my body. Because I am responsible for it being here I am also responsible for getting rid of it. I accept full responsibility and am up to this challenge”.

Congratulations! You have just taken the most important step towards healing.

In order to take the second step I will need for you to get out a piece of paper (you can write on the back of this page if you want) and draw a vertical line down the middle of the page that will give you two columns. Now at the top of the left column right down the words ‘why I want to be healed’ and at the top of the right column right the words ‘why I want to have cancer’. I know. This is not going to be easy but stick with me. I did this myself and it helped me immensely
And it will help you.

Let’s begin writing. Write all the reasons you want to be cured --- actually these are reasons to live and happy and healthy life. I wrote things down like growing old with my husband, seeing my son get married and have children, building and living in a cabin on the side of a mountain in Colorado, having my grandchildren visit me during the holidays, making a difference in the world, etc. You get the drift of what to write. Write down whatever comes to your mind on why you want to live. When you have written down everything you can think of – this should be a long list – put down your pen.

Now, let’s talk a bit before we tackle the right side. This isn’t going to be easy but it has to be done. This is where you will have to be honest with yourself. Look, it’s not as if you will have to show this list to anyone else. Be honest. If you can’t be honest you can’t be healed. We all have two people living inside our bodies. We have the person who everyone else sees and then we have the person who is made up of all the things that we don’t like about ourselves. I want to talk to that person. That person is the one who will need to fill out the right side of the page.

Need help. Okay. I will bare my soul to help you. I am an overachiever. I have always been conscious of what other people thought of me. I lived my life to please others and I always needed the approval of others to give me my feeling of self worth. No one made me feel that way. I chose this for myself. Well, because of this choice I made, I developed through the years a deep seeded feeling of resentment. It was so deep that I didn’t even know I had it until I started trying to figure out why I had brought the cancer into my life. Now, with resentment comes this not so little thing called revenge. After all, if you resent something it’s certainly not because you love it. I resented that I worked so damn hard. I resented that I was getting older and didn’t have the things in live that I really wanted (not that I really knew what those were). I resented that I couldn’t say no to people without feeling guilty. I resented a lot of things (most of which didn’t make sense) but this list doesn’t have to make sense. Remember that, write down everything even if it doesn’t make sense. Somewhere in your brain it makes sense that’s why you feel this way.

Now, take a deep breath and get ready for this next shocker. Your revenge that you have planned because of this resentment is that you will somehow not be here to be taken advantage of and the world and all the people in it that make you feel this resentment will miss you and realize how hard you worked and all the sacrifices you made for them. The world will be sad and you will have gotten your revenge but in a way that people will feel sorry for you. You will not have to be strong anymore because you have cancer. You finally have an excuse to say no, you have a reason for the kids to come and visit or you spouse to take time away from work, sports and friends; to come to your aid and hold your hand and tell you how brave you are being. You have all these reasons for people to surround you and not take you for granted any longer. Pretty sick, huh? You don’t do this on purpose, or at least not consciously, but you are doing this.

Write this list down. You can’t go any further on your journey until you get things right with yourself. Shakespeare was a healer when he wrote ‘to thine own self be true’. Be truthful. Be brutally honest. This is going to save you.

Now put your pen down. Look at your list for your reasons for living. By now, if you are like me you have tears in your eyes but you may also have a smile on your face. All these reasons for living are what will keep you going on your journey towards healing. Now read through your list of why you brought on the cancer. Is there anything on that list that is more important than your living list? Is there anything on your ‘cancer’ list that is worth dying for?

At the bottom of the ‘living’ list I want you to write these words: “I am willing to do whatever it takes no matter how hard to make these things come true. I want to live a happy and healthy life.”

On the bottom of the ‘cancer’ list I want you to write: “I will be true to myself. I will say no. I will be the best me I can be and know that it is good enough.”

Now fold this paper in half dividing the two columns and put the list where you can read the ‘life’ column every day. Feel free to add other reasons for living as you continue on your journey. If you do happen to think of another reason you brought on the cancer add that to the ‘cancer’ list. From now on you will be true to yourself, you will no longer resent anyone else, your life or yourself. You will concentrate on your ‘life’ list.

You must hold yourself accountable to the promise that you made to yourself at the bottom of each list. No one else can do this for you.

Ready, to continue on our journey?

By now, you might be saying to yourself, I need to know how to cure this cancer. I don’t need to do any psychological work. Well, the work we just did has laid the groundwork for everything that comes after it. Your success hinges on your ability to stay the course. You are about to learn things about cancer that will blow your mind. Ready?

To be continued

The Hidden Book

I am sitting here at Starbucks, sipping on my peppermint tea and typing away on my little Neo realizing how wonderful life is right now. I am placing the finishing touches on my book and I have a long list of people already interested in purchasing it the minute it comes out. I am healthy and happy and compared to this time last year I am rocking and rolling.

This time last year I was exhausted and near panic. I had given myself until October to find the answer to my question of ‘what is cancer’ and more importantly ‘how can I cure myself of it’. I had promised friends and family that if I did not have my answers by October that I would have the surgery that the doctors were still pleading with me to have. It was a surgery that I did not want. After all, who in their right mind wants a partial radical mastectomy followed by chemo or radiation? I was running out of time and I needed an answer fast. I had exhausted most of my leads and was now down to daily searching of the internet for new blogs, press releases, anything that had to do with cancer and its possible cure.

I was sitting in my office twirling around in my chair like a four year old visiting her mom at the office. I had my clown nose on. Yes, you read right. My clown nose. It's red and is made of foam with a little slit in it that opens up just enough for my nose. I keep it in my desk and I pull it out and put it on whenever I feel that I am getting too serious about the cancer.

I know, cancer is supposed to be serious, but I always felt that I didn’t need to take it too seriously. Taking it seriously gave it more power and I didn’t want to give it any more power than it already had over my life. So the red foam clown nose is my cloak of invisibility. Whenever I wear it I become invisible to the cancer and anything that had to do with it. It keeps me safe and hidden away from the negative emails and letters that I received every day from ‘well meaning’ people who said that they were praying for me and that God wanted me to have the surgery and God made Doctors so that they could help people like me. I always laughed at this notion that God created cancer just so that he could keep the doctors busy. This was crazy talk but I was the one wearing the clown nose!

I finished my playtime with my nose and my chair and leaned back on my desk. I was facing my bookshelf. Now, I have to tell you that I am quite proud of my personal library. I believe that you can tell a lot about the personality of someone by looking at their library or lack of one. My library literally spoke volumes about me. It said I was hopeful, always searching, open minded, thoughtful and funny. It also said that I've been a reader all my life; a propensity that I received from my parents. If you can read and comprehend, you can find the answers to all life’s questions and teach yourself how to do anything.

That’s when I saw it. A paperback that had been slid pretty tightly, maybe even forced into much too small of a space, and placed upside down. I had to tilt my head to the left in order to read its spine. The pH Miracle by Dr. Robert O. Young and Shelley Redford Young. I remembered this book. I bought it several years ago looking for the secret of weight loss and had read half way through the book and decided that the program in the book was much too hard for someone who really was only wanting to lose five pounds. Ultimately, never having been known to throw away a book, I shelved it and forgot all about it.

So here I was head tilted looking at the book. I pulled or rather pried the book from the shelf and read the front, The pH Miracle, Balance Your Diet, Reclaim Your Life … hmmm, wasn’t that what I had been seeking desperately to do? Reclaim my life? I started reading and it all came back to me. This made total sense to me. It wasn’t written by a medical doctor but by a microbiologist and a nutritionist. These were people who weren't looking to turn me towards more surgery or chemo or radiation. They were just explaining to me what cancer was and wasn’t and how I could change my body so that the ‘cancer’ would not be part of it any longer.

I dove into the book and when I finally surfaced for air I was a different person. I had the hope. I had the courage; but most of all I had the answers. Take a deep breath and smile. Things are only going to get better. :) Peace and Blessings.

My Cute Little Water Machine

I just recently hooked up my new water filter system in my kitchen. It's a cute little filtering machine that sits on my kitchen counter. It takes my Texas well water (which isn't bad to begin with) and filters it and then makes it alkaline. Not only does it make it healthier for me but it makes it taste really smooth.

For those of us who want to get and remain healthy we know that you must keep your body alkaline. Many of you reading this may not know what that means so I will go through a quick lesson. Your body is designed to be alkaline. In the normal course of our daily lives we eat foods and drink drinks that are acidic. We also do things like get stressed out, become insomniacs and think negative thoughts. All of which are acidic and cause our bodies to become acidic also. When our our bodies become acidic the natural mechanism is for it to try and become alkaline again. In order to do this it has to take alkaline from parts of the body in order to balance out the alkaline level of the blood (you see the blood must remain a certain level of alkalinity or we can die). I don't want to go into the scientific explanation of this and if you are interested you can visit a website that can explain it all at http://www.phmiracleliving.com/. In a nutshell you must stay alkaline to stay healthy. If you don't, your body begins to deteriorate. It also starts depositing acid in the places in your body that may we weak. This acid can lead to all sorts of ailments including what conventional medicine calls cancer. Alkalarians - people who know the importance of staying alkaline - call cancer, 'latent tissue acidosis'. This translates to too much acid in your body. Think about it. If 'cancer' or 'latent tissue acidosis' is caused by too much acid in the body then it stands to reason that the 'cure' would have something to do with getting rid of the acid and replacing it with alkaline. Why don't more people know about this? Well, it could be because it takes a lifestyle that really goes against our fast food, over processed, microwaved have to eat everything in a hurry society AND there is not much money in people changing the way they eat in order to rid themselves of disease.

Anyway, back to my cute little machine. I hooked this thing up and in a few seconds I had alkaline water. I can get various levels of alkaline water from it for drinking and using in food and I can even get acid water to use on plants, skin, etc. Great stuff when used properly. I am keeping detailed records as to how I am feeling with the water. I have noticed that it quenches my thirst a lot quicker than regular water or anything else for that matter. It also seems to be hydrating me more. For those of you who are interested in the kind of machine I have you can visit their website and get all the answers to your questions about drinking alkaline water and even what you can do with the acid water from the machine. The website is http://www.ionizers.org./ The machine I have is a Melody.

If you want to rid yourself of disease or just stay healthy and live a life of quality then check out all the information about alkaline vs acid on the web. Until next time, Peace and Blessings!

Water, water everywhere but not enough in me ...

Up until I was diagnosed with cancer and started fervently looking for answers to my questions of:

1) What did I do to 'catch it'?
2) What didn't I do to prevent it?
3) Was this karmic?
4) Was it someone else's fault?

I really didn't give much thought to water. I mean, other than making sure I drank enough. By enough I meant when I was thirsty and when I needed something to wash down whatever I was eating at the time. I had heard drinking 8 glasses of water a day was really good for you. Some days I was able to do that but most of the time I just kept to my 'when necessary' routine.

I started noticing that my skin was getting drier and drier. I, of course, chalked that up to being close to fifty and the fact that I had really done a lot of damage to it when I was younger with sunbathing and later on in my life (when technology insisted on helping me keep my tan) tanning beds. I considered myself lucky to not be one big wrinkle by my 49th birthday. My skin was very dry and whenever I wore a pair of ankle socks I noticed that after I took them off my skin would hold the indention of the socks for 3 or 4 hours. Was that normal? Maybe turning fifty was going to be worse than I thought.

Now I understand that this wasn't normal and that what was happening to my already dehydrated body was acidic buildup. Without me eating an alkaline diet filled with green vegetables and drinking plenty of good pure water my body had become a pool of acid and there was nothing left for it to do but to produce the symptoms of what conventional medicine labels as cancer.

I have learned so much from February 5, 2007 to now. I have found the answer to all of my questions and now am on a journey to help others find their own answers to help them heal themselves. You don't have to have cancer to get a wake up call from your body. Maybe you are just noticing that your skin just isn't what it use to be or your hair is starting to fall out faster than normal or perhaps the whites of your eyes aren't white anymore. Whatever the form of communication your body is using to get its point across know that you can do something about it if you are willing to change your mind, listen to your body and follow nature.

I hope that you will join me on this journey back to complete health. Until next time ... Peace and Blessings to you.