Chapter Twelve - Wake Up: A Conversation About Body

Suddenly I was fully awake, keenly focused and my eyes and ears were aware of only her presence and her voice, my voice. The Angel, after all she was delivering a message from God, sat across from me looking into my eyes. “Let’s talk about what you know.”
With that I felt a pen in my hand and a legal pad slide underneath the pen holding it. For some reason that didn’t seem weird. “Well, I know that I have cancer. I know that some people have cured themselves of it in the past and I know that most people choose to take the more conventional route of surgery and possibly chemo and radiation. I know that insurance will pay for that but won’t pay for the un-conventional route. I also know that no doctor I have spoken with can tell me what caused the cancer in the first place. That doesn’t make sense. How can you try to fix something unless you know what the cause is? I would expect more information from a plumber or a mechanic. This is my body we’re talking about and my life. I need more info. That’s what I know.”
“See, you are on the right path. The answers that I will give you will seem simple and complex at the same time. Just take notes so that when you wake up you will remember what you said to yourself. Ready?”
“I guess. I just want answers,” and with that I wrote across the top of the legal pad. A Conversation About Body.
“Alright, your body is a very simple yet complex organism. It is used to house your mind and your soul but never to take the place of them. Your mind is an outlet for your ego. You know. The thing that makes you proud, angry, jealous as well as a multitude of other feelings based on fear. It dies with your body but it does have a tremendous amount of effect on how the body functions. We’ll get to more of that later.
“The soul or your energy is eternal. Energy never dies. It merely changes form. Think of your soul as being like water. It can be water. It can be steam. It can be ice. But it is always water and it never goes completely away it just changes form. Does that make sense so far?”
I nodded yes as I was trying to keep up with my note taking. I understood this completely. It was not necessary to go into details on this topic. “But what about the body? That’s where my challenge lies. My mind and soul don’t have the cancer my body does.”
“No, that’s where you are wrong. What you call cancer started in your mind and eventually made its way into the body. The soul being eternal doesn’t get disease. It can help you understand it if you need it to but mostly the responsibility lies with the mind.”
“I am about to say something that you are not going to understand because it goes against everything you have been taught. There is no such thing as a cancer or a disease. There are no individual ailments.”
“Yeah, I don’t understand. Millions of people every year are diagnosed with terrible diseases. They die from them. Adults and children and even babies. How can you say there is no such thing as disease?”
“I can say it because it is the truth. The human body is perfect unless you do something to cause it not to be perfect.” She was looking straight at me and I realized that she truly believed this. How could she be so sure?
She answered my unspoken question, “Creation is perfect. Perfection cannot and will not produce imperfection. It’s just not possible.”
“That can’t be true because if our bodies were perfect then we would never get sick or die. We would all live perfect lives of health.”
“It is true because free will comes into play in this equation. One perfect body plus free will equals health, sickness or death. You have the choice. From the time of your conception you chose. Not only did you choose but your mother that carried you chose. Granted, many who chose had no idea what they were doing. They just relied on information that was given to them but none-the-less they chose.”
“So, you’re saying that I chose to develop cancer?”
“No, I already told you that what you think of as cancer truly isn’t but you do have a part to play in it.”
“Okay, I guess I need to learn first what this is that I have since it’s not cancer.”

She closed her eyes as if she were trying to remember something. Something that had slipped her mind like an item on a grocery list that she had misplaced. A smile came across her face. It was the same crooked smile I had seen in the mirror whenever I had thought of something that had been hidden in the back of my memory. Something funny that I had not thought of for quite some time.
“You don’t really understand your body do you?” she said opening her eyes. “It’s not that complicated and yet you want to make it so. You see. It’s like a sponge. What you put into it is what will come out of it. Let’s say you have a sponge. If you pour water into it then when you wring it out that’s what comes out of it, water. If you pour a coffee into it then … well, you get the picture
She continued, “Kim, you and everyone inhabiting a bodily form right now are born in a body that has one purpose, one mission. That mission is to house your soul. In that mission it is given the opportunity to be born in a healthy, healing environment. It is strong, able to grow and able to aid your soul in its development. That development is to help the soul progress. Nothing more.”
She glanced over at my nightstand where there sat a small box. The box was beautifully wrapped in red shiny paper and on the top of the box was placed a small gold bow. I had not noticed the gift before. It had been placed there by my husband before we left for the airport that morning. For a moment I felt that I should open the gift but then the feeling passed and I re focused on her.
“Think of your body as the box that encases a very precious gift. That gift is wrapped so that nothing can harm it. It will be the same always and forever. The box that protects that gift can change based upon its environment. Although the gift within will remain the same the box can show signs of age, wearing, destruction. It is a strong enough box and it has been designed so that the gift will remain in tact. However, the box if subjected to negative elements can begin to fall apart. Let’s talk about your body as this box. The beautiful gold bow that has been placed upon this box is like your mind. Your mind, like the bow can become unraveled. It can lose its crispness, its shine. Both the bow and the box can withstand quite a lot of onslaught before they both begin to show signs of wear and tear and eventually break down all together.”
“Over fifty years ago we placed you into this body. At that time you promised to take care of it so that it could help your soul work towards its mission. It seemed easy enough at the time. It was easier when you were younger. As you have added each year upon your earth life it has become increasingly more difficult. We understand that. You could continue down this path of destruction and degradation but you have come to a crossroads. Your soul has asked for help and we are listening. It needs more time to complete more of its mission. It needs your body to remain intact and stronger for a bit longer. Do you understand??
I nodded my head but I really didn’t understand. I mean, I understood but I wanted to argue about what she was saying. I wanted to stand up for myself and say that it wasn’t easy living in this day and age. I wanted to argue the point of why me? I was pretty healthy. Why didn’t people who lived a lot more unhealthy lifestyle have what I have? Why was I singled out?
She smiled, and continued. “You were not singled out. Everyone that is living your lifestyle is in the same predicament as you. It has just not shown up on the surface yet. You have not been singled out. Each and every human being on the planet has the responsibility of making sure that their body remains in tact and capable of helping their soul fulfill its mission. You have not been singled out.”
I blurted out, “Then explain to me why I have cancer and my friend who thinks a cheeseburger with fries washed down with a diet soda is a balanced meal doesn’t.” There I said it. Let’s see how she answers that one.
“They can’t have cancer because there is no such thing as cancer.” She answered, no longer smiling.
“What do you mean there is no such thing as cancer? If there isn’t any cancer then what the hell are all these people dying from? What are we raising all this money for research for? Why are body parts being removed and people being subjected to all this chemo and radiation for? No cancer? What is it then?”
“There is no such thing as cancer. There is no such thing as disease. It is all in your mind.”
Now my head was reeling. This wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare. Here I was sitting in the middle of the night talking to what seemed to be myself and I was making this asinine statement about there being no disease and how it was all in my head.
Now, I was shouting. “It’s not all in my head. People are dying. It’s not all in my head. I am not willing this. I am not willing this”
She took my hand and smiled at me. “It is all in your head because your head is what has accepted this condition known as disease. Your soul knows differently. Listen carefully.”
“Your body is designed to live a healthy life and be free from disease. You have a choice in how healthy your body remains because you control what happens to. Let’s begin with how your body is made and what keeps it going.”
Your body is made so that it is what this world calls an alkaline state. Without going into scientific terms let me just tell you know in order for your body to function properly and at its highest and best use it must remain alkaline. This is based upon the environment that you have chosen to be placed into. If you had chosen a different environment then your body would have to be different. But in this environment when your body is alkaline it works better. Cuts heal faster, bones mesh faster, cells reproduce and choose to transmute into whatever cells the body needs to keep itself working in proper order. When a body is alkaline no disease appears to inhabit that body. I say appears because disease is not real. Each body has the capacity of either being diseased or healthy. Each human has the capability of health or disease. Just as each human has the capability of choosing right over wrong. Bodies are not predisposed towards disease. Bodies are designed to be healthy. You must work hard to become unhealthy. You make those choices.”
I knew this. Somewhere deep inside myself I knew this. For years I had heard my body speak to me. Whenever I ate too much meat, too many dairy products, too little fresh vegetables. It spoke to me. I heard my body cry out when I had too many glasses of wine. It whispered in my ear when I slathered too much butter on my bread. It had been writing notes to me on my skin for several years now telling me that I needed more water. The always tired look on my face and the dull look of my hair had been my body speaking to me to make better choices. I heard the messages but I found it easier to make other choices. After all, life was hard enough without these vices. Hey, it wasn’t as if I was hurting anyone. Well, no one but myself. And besides I had plenty of company. We couldn’t all be wrong could we?
“It’s not a question of right and wrong. It’s really not a question at all. It is a choice of the path you choose to take. You house your soul. Your soul needs your body in this lifetime to do what it needs to do. Your soul will live on without your body. But your body is needed to help your soul achieve what it has set out to do in this lifetime.”
What was I supposed to eat? Rabbit food? There is the issue of quality of life you know. How much fun is a life filled with looking forward to nothing other than lettuce and tomatoes?
She smiled, “Your choices have gotten your body where it is today. Your soul has cried out to us because the quality of life that you are experiencing now is not what you want to live. You are fearful, restless and frustrated. There is no quality in this life that you have chosen for yourself.”
She had a point. My life had pretty much sucked after my initial diagnosis. I can’t remember a really good day since then. Even when it seemed as if I was having a good time with friends and family I had that nagging in the back of my head that my time was limited unless I could find an answer. I was looking for an answer. Was this it? So tell me more about this alkaline thing.
“Your body is designed to be alkaline. When you are alkaline you are healthy. When your body reaches a state of acidity for a lengthy period of time it begins to show signs of wear. That period of time is different in different people. Some people live lives that are borderline acidic for so long in which their bodies are constantly trying to remain alkaline that one day their body gives up and they go to sleep that night and don’t wake up the next morning. Others are gifted with signs that you call symptoms of your body talking to you telling you that it needs help regarding the choices that you are making. It is always talking to you. Whether or not you listen is up to you. Some people find it too difficult to listen. It is their choice.”
“Signs that your body is talking to you can be a cough that won’t go away. Perhaps it is that nagging headache. That irregularity that you have been experiencing isn’t just because you need more fiber. How about your dry skin? Your hair becoming dull and starting to fall out a bit more. Sometimes your body speaks to you by making you restless at night. It screams at you to make better choices by sending you night sweats and muscles that seem to twitch uncontrollably. There are so many different ways in which your body will speak to you. If you are not experiencing a life of full health your body is speaking to you.”
It made sense but maybe it only made sense because she was explaining it. I may not remember any of this tomorrow.
“You are not dreaming, this is real, pay attention and tell others.” And with that comment she was gone.

Chapter Eleven – The Midnight Meeting

    "I knew this was going to be a restless night." I said it out loud as I stared into my bathroom mirror washing my face and brushing my teeth. "I don't like being by myself at night," I said. Every little sound seemed amplified and my imagination did not need any coaxing to start its way down some sort of 'worse case scenario.'

    All the books that I had seen on the bookshelf that day were swimming through my head. Who comes up with this stuff? I have to get some sleep. I am exhausted just from thinking and I really would like to go off to a dreamy vacation spot for at least five hours and pretend that everything is okay.

    I know, I'll read. I went to my bookshelf and pulled a book that I had started and had yet to finish. It was something motivational. Lately I would start reading and then my mind would wander and I would finish a page and not remember what I read. It was happening again. I tossed the book on the bed to the right of me and settled in for what I knew would be another restless night's sleep. I closed my eyes.

    I don't know how long I had been asleep when I heard, "What are you doing?"

    I thought it was my husband until I realized that he was still travelling out of town.  With eyes still closed, I waited another moment certain that I had heard something.  Perhaps it was the refrigerator downstairs.  I knew that it was just a matter of time before it went out completely and lately it had started making some strange noises. 

       "What are you doing?"  There it was again. This time I knew someone else was in the darkened room with me and I felt a rush of heat as my heart began to pound.  I mentally struggled to quickly determine if the book I had placed on the bed to the right of me would make much of a weapon against an intruder.  "Kim, what are you doing?" 
        It was then that I realized whoever it was in the dark room with me knew my name and was female. I quickly reached for the light by the side of my bed and flipped it on.  I turned in the direction from where I thought the voice came and stared straight into all too familiar eyes.  They were mine and they were looking at me.

     "Kim, what are you doing?" she asked once more and the sound of my own voice snapped me back into reality.

    "I'm sitting here looking at me wondering if I'm still dreaming. Am I or maybe the stress of the search and me second guessing myself has finally taken its toll?"

    "No, this is real. Well, as real as it can be at 2am in the morning." She replied.

    "What's going on here? Why am I looking at me and why do you keep asking me what I am doing?"

    I stared straight at me. Yes, me. It was like looking into a mirror except somehow the reflection was a bit different. Different in a good way. She seemed younger, her skin seemed smoother and her smile seemed brighter. She sat there smiling at me and I sat there with my heart pounding out of my chest. I have often wondered what it would feel like if I ever saw a ghost. This was as close to that feeling as I ever wanted to get.

When I was younger, after my grandfather had died I thought I heard him calling my name in the middle of the day and when I turned I imagined I had seen a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. They say that most apparitions are seen through the corner of people's eyes. Why not right in front of us? I don't know. Maybe that's what keeps us guessing as to whether or not there are such things as ghosts or spirits. Here I was looking at what seemed to be my ghost or my spirit not out of the corner of my eye but right in front of me and she was smiling. I said nothing for what seemed like a full minute and then I whispered 'is this a dream?'

    I, or she, answered, "No this is not a dream, this is real. I have a message to you from God. I've come to talk to you because you have asked a question that you and others like you want and need to know the answer to. I have come because you have opened the door. It is a small door but it is an opening none the less. Shall we get started?'

    Started? Started with what? It was as if she read my thoughts.

    'I am here to talk about your body. The body that you are in right now. The one that you feel is challenging you. I am here to tell you how it works. Let's start.'

    That's how it began. No introduction, no light from heaven with a celestial choir, no "Fear not.
nothing but, "Let's start."

    She stretched out her arms over her head and rolled her neck as if working out a kink, "I had to come to you because you were getting too confused. You already know the answers but you keep looking for something that isn't there. I'm here to get you back on the right path."

    "The right path? I'm sitting here in the middle of the night talking to myself, literally, talking to myself. I'd say that I am no where close to the right path. I must be hallucinating. That's it. Maybe the cancer has spread to my brain and now I am seeing and hearing things." I felt a huge knot come up in my stomach at that time with the realization that maybe I was killing myself slowly.

    "No, you're not dying. You just can't hear yourself because all of the crap … "

    She stopped in mid sentence listening to what I was thinking and smiled.

    "Kim, I am you, you say crap, I say crap. Shall I go on?"

    I nodded and she continued … " as I was saying, you can't hear yourself because of all the rubbish that you keep reading and listening to regarding this cancer. I am here to tune you back into what you already know. But first, you'll need to go back to sleep. As long as you are awake I can't get through to you without being interrupted. Good night."

    And with that my head hit my pillow and I began to dream.

Chapter Ten – Comfortable in Barnes and Noble

    When I feel like I am in need of answers I go to Barnes and Noble. I don't always find my answers there but I surround myself with what I feel are the answers to all the questions of the universe. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? Now that I know what I am supposed to do how do I do it? What if people don't like what I do? What if they like what I do too much? How do I teach this to my kids? How do I make money with this new found wisdom? Why do I worry about such things?

    All these questions can be answered just by strolling through my favorite Barnes and Noble. What makes it even more comforting is that I can eat and drink while I am there making my way through my self imposed labyrinth. I can't do this at my local library. They don't have a Starbucks or even a Barnes and Noble Café where I can pick up a 'tall regular drip no room for cream' (no foofy drinks for me) and a slice of pumpkin loaf. I just love the experience. I love surrounding myself with thousands of other writers, and I love the fact that even when I tell myself that everything has already been written there are people out there still pounding away at their keyboards. They cover the same topics in a different way and each month new books become available for people like me who want to plug into the wisdom and even the idiocy of the universe.

    I needed to be in B & N today. I needed to know that others had felt what I am going through. I wanted to know others suffered and searched for answers and came out at the end of their dark tunnel with a new found faith in God, the universe, their fellow man and even perhaps themselves. I was there that day looking for my answer to my question of 'What am I going to do?'

     "Yes, ma'am, how can I help you?" asked a lovely young lady from behind the customer service desk. She looked as if she was 16 years old. She reminded me of what Nancy Drew would have looked like had she been real. She was young yet very mature. Young and very intelligent. Perhaps she had the answer to what I was looking for.

    "Yes, I was looking for books with the cure to cancer in them. Do you have any of those?" I asked as if expecting a positive answer. Something like, "Yes, we have quite a few. People come in every day and buy them and then cure themselves within a week's time. They're just over here…"

"Well, we have books about cancer. Would you like for me to show you where they are?" She was young and very polite."Yes, thanks" I replied and followed her up the escalator and to health and diet section.

Do you have any idea how many books about Cancer there are? There were two full rows about cancer. Hopefully somewhere among all these books was my answer. I thought to myself if one of these books holds the answer for me then why isn't it flying off the shelves? I looked around. Perhaps no one knows about these books. As I looked I noticed that some of the books had been placed back into the shelf upside down. I guess someone had been through these looking for an answer. Did they not find it? Would I find it?

     I just knew I would find my answer there in some small insignificant tome that had been written 80 years ago and whose author was long gone. That's why the answer wasn't well known to the rest of us in this day and age. It was hidden among the older volumes. I searched. I looked with my head sideways reading the spines of the books.

    I grabbed five books that looked interesting and looked for a place to settle for the next few minutes while I looked through them. I turned the corner and there it was, the most comfortable looking chair I had ever seen. And no one sitting in it. Today must be my lucky day! Well, sort of. I made my way to the chair and placed the books at my feet. I stashed my purse to the left of me between the chair and my body and grabbed a book: The pH Miracle for Living. Hmmm. I liked the title. I needed a miracle, but I had no idea what pH had to do with it. I started to read the book.

An older woman sat in the chair next to me with her younger daughter perched on her lap looking through a children's picture book. I thought to myself, has she had cancer?
Will she have cancer one day? Will her daughter have cancer one day? Would she remember how it felt not to have cancer?

    Before cancer. Will my life's timeline now take on the acronyms BC for before cancer? What would AD stand for? After death … no … quit thinking that way. AD could stand for After denial, after doctors, after diagnosis … after diagnosis. That would make sense. What happens after diagnosis? I turned my attention back to reading the book. A few more pages later I looked up to glance at two older women having a conversation that was just above a whisper on the other side of the aisle from where I sat.

"You know she is doing remarkably well since her surgery. Poor thing, she had both breasts removed and they are about to start chemotherapy treatments. Her doctor seems to think they got it all. We visited her in the hospital last night. She looked terrible but who wouldn't after everything she has been through. We took her a birthday cake. Did you know yesterday was her fiftieth birthday. Who would have ever guessed this sort of thing would happen to her. I mean, she seemed so healthy." The other woman voiced her agreement and they walked away towards another section and hopefully found a better topic of conversation.

I could feel the relief in their voices that it was not they who were suffering from the disease. It was their friend and it was always easier to deal with if it was happening to someone else. I could not blame them for their sense of relief. I had felt the same way when I had heard of people who had been diagnosed with cancer. I was always glad it wasn't me.

    I turned back to my book and slumped a little lower into the chair. I was so tired from the stress of my search and so many sleepless nights. The chair was so comfortable. I continued my reading.

Chapter Four (Meeting with the Consultant)

The day arrived when I was going to have everything explained to me regarding the mammogram and sonogram that I had gone through earlier in the week. Although I wasn't really looking forward to it, I knew that it wasn't going to be as bad as I thought it was going to be. I wasn't one of those people who was always sick or had migraines or had a regular doctor even. I wasn't allergic to anything. I wasn't even overweight.

    I drove myself to my appointment. After all, it wasn't necessary for Scott to be there just to hear them say that I was going to be fine. I could call him over the phone for that. We had already discussed that we would meet after my appointment for lunch.

    I sat in the waiting room. This time I was prepared. Although I didn't bring my laptop I did bring a book. It always made me feel good to have a book on me. Sure, doctor's offices have stuff to read, but I want something of my own choosing that I can dog ear and even mark up if I choose.

I couldn't remember a time in my life when books weren't important to me. They were often the only companions I really trusted. This book I held in my hand was no different. This book would be the only witness to this meeting between me and what I had decided to call 'the consultant.' I didn't want to think of myself meeting with a doctor. Doctors weren't meant to be questioned. After all they were the 'experts.' Consultants, on the other hand, would give you their opinions and then you had the chance to ask them questions and eventually decide for yourself. I wasn't planning on dealing with anymore 'experts' I had decided to start dealing with consultants.

    I had found Dr. M through a friend. Carol owned the local herb store and someone had come by with a book written by Dr. M. In his book he talked about preventing breast cancer through proper nutrition and the use of bio-identical hormones. Carol had become intrigued and handed me the book as soon as I had told her about the initial diagnosis. After reading the book I searched out this doctor and found that he was located less than an hour from me. I called to make the appointment and was told that it would be several weeks before an opening would be available. Okay. I'll wait.

    I had promised Meria (my doctor) that I would keep her updated so I picked up the phone to give her a call. When I told her about the delay and that I was fine with it she sounded noticeably concerned that waiting that long was not a good thing. She made a couple of phone calls and was able to get me in within a week. I was almost disappointed that the she was able to get me in sooner. After all, if they didn't think it was important enough for me to come in I figured it wasn't that serious. Evidently Meria didn't think the same way I did. The day of my appointment I left my house early enough to swing by the Diagnostic center to pick up my films to take to Dr. M. I was glad not to have to be going back there and I secretly hoped that I would not run into Dr. V. I didn't want to have her ask me what I had decided to do especially since I hadn't decided to do anything yet other than stall. I picked up my films and hurriedly made my way back down the same elevator where two weeks earlier I had misplaced my brain.

    I was fifteen minutes early for my appointment with Dr. M. I had completed my paperwork prior to arriving there. This was done with the help of a fax machine and a very efficient office manager. Who ever thought you could fill out paperwork for your doctor ahead of time? Was this a sign of progress? Perhaps I am in the right place after all.

    Dr. M walked into the room and I liked him instantly. He looked at my films all the while explaining everything to me. Then he looked at my sonogram results explaining those to me also. I was waiting for him to say something like 'I don't see anything really out of the ordinary, why don't we give it a couple months and see what happens.' I was waiting for him to say it but instead he said. 'I know you don't want to hear this but I think we really need to have a biopsy done. The sooner we get the results on this the sooner we can talk about viable options.' He wrote something on my chart, smiled and said that he would have a nurse schedule me for an appointment. We talked about his book and how I found him and why I wanted to come to see him and how I thought even if it were malignant that he could cure me with nutrition and supplements and that surgery would not be necessary. His smiled faded as he began to explain to me that there was no alternative if the biopsy returned a malignant result. Surgery was necessary. Chemo and radiation however might be optional depending upon the results. The best thing for us to do right now was to send me for blood tests and then for the biopsy. We could then go from there.

    Then he said, "You are young and in good health, with surgery and all the progress that we have made in understanding cancer you could live a long and productive life."

    What was that sound? That loud thud. It sounded like the first nail being pounded into my coffin.
Long and productive life? You don't say 'could live a long and productive life' to someone who 30 minutes earlier thought the worst was behind her. My heart was racing. I know that he could tell there was something wrong since the color was now gone from my face.

    My only question, "Do you mean that I could die from this?"

    That's when he started quoting statistics on how many women survive breast cancer and lead 'long and productive lives'. How we shouldn't jump the gun until we have all the test results back and can make decisions based on facts. How I should not be worried and how we needed to take it one step at a time.

    Let's just go get the blood tests done and schedule a biopsy. He would see me after the test results had been sent back to him. He smiled, shook my hand and asked me to visit the nurse at the front who would give me my appointment for my biopsy.

Intoduction to Cancer Angel (The Book)

I wish I could say that I started writing all of this down on the first day, but I didn't. I wish I could say that I handled everything just fine, but I didn't. I wish I could say that I have it all figured out, but I don't.

    Nevertheless, I do want to recount things as they happened for a lot of reasons. One is to get it off my chest, literally. The other is that you may be sitting there reading this book because you have been diagnosed with cancer and are in a panic and no one is alive that you can talk to that will understand exactly what you are going through. I understand now why they have those millions of different support groups.

    This is not the first book I have written. I have written others both on paper and in my mind. This one is a tough one though because unlike my others this one is about me, my feelings, my fears, my lack of control. My others were self help books for other people. This one is my own personal self help book for me.

    Where do I start? Hmmm. Well, let's start at the beginning. I have always been pretty healthy. Not marathon runner healthy but healthy. I wasn't a druggie, not even prescription. I ate fairly healthy, or so I thought. I exercised when I thought about it, which wasn't all that often, but I wasn't a slob. One thing that I was and still am is optimistic. At least on the outside. Most people you meet when all of this is over will tell you that I am or was the most optimistically energetic person they know or knew --- depending upon the outcome of all of this. See, I told you it was on the outside.

I will tell you that I noticed the lump, a small one, a year before I really NOTICED the lump. A little background is needed here. In 2004 I treated myself to breast implants. Honestly, after the initial pain and getting used to them I can tell you that at the time it was the best thing that I ever did to improve my looks and the way I felt about myself. That's neither here nor there. But, because of the breast implants (saline) I had been instructed by my doctor to massage them regularly. It was during one of the massages that I noticed the small lump.

    Years prior I had read or heard or been told that drinking a lot of caffeine was the cause of lumps within the breast. So I chalked the small lump that I had found up to the six or more cups of coffee I drank every day. I didn't drink the cheap stuff either. Starbucks was a regular hang out for me. And there were no fancy, diluted drinks in my order. It was always a tall, regular drip with no room for cream (bold). Anyway, the lump must have been extra caffeine hanging around my system. I went about my business and told myself that I would cut back on the java.

    As the months went by I noticed that the lump would come and go (maybe I just thought it did). Well, anyway, one day I noticed that it had gotten a little larger. I had put on a few pounds so I thought perhaps that was the reason. Was I feeding this lump? I told myself that I would need to start exercising more and not eat late at night.

    Okay, so now I have cut back on the coffee and started eating a little better. Not much cutting back on the coffee and not much eating better but hey, I still looked and felt okay.

    Each time I stepped out of the shower I felt for the lump. As the days passed I was hoping that each time I felt for it that it would have disappeared into thin air. After all, I was a pretty positive person. You could will these things into existence and you can will them out of existence too. I guess I wasn't 'willing' in the right way. You can't will something out of existence if you are constantly thinking about it. Can you?

 

And so my story begins ….

Just In Case, Fear Not

So many of you have visited my website and have written me sharing your stories or the stories of your friends and family members who have been diagnosed with cancer and are afraid and searching for answers. I hope that I have been able to help alleviate some of your fears and have given you new hope to find your healing whether it be through conventional means or through a path that is considered by many to be alternative. You must do what you feel is right for you and do it without fear.

One of the many emails I received was from a young woman whose doctor has suggested that she have her breast removed even though she has not been diagnosed with cancer. This was for purely precautionary reasons. The precautionary, ‘just in case you will get it in the future, we can bypass all the trepidation and suffering now’ prescription is not a reason to have any body part removed; now or ever. You don’t bypass anything by undergoing unnecessary surgery. What is this doctor thinking?

Would this same doctor suggest a man’s prostate be removed ‘just in case’? Would he recommend removing an appendix or a gallbladder ‘just in case’? Removing a body part now to save time, expense and suffering in the future doesn’t make sense. Won’t you still have to undergo the downtime, the expense and the pain – both mental and physical – now?

Please, please, never allow fear to help you make up your mind. Fear does nothing but cause stress and stress causes more acid in your system. For you to remain healthy you must remain alkaline. In order to remain alkaline you must eat alkaline foods, drink alkaline water, think good positive thoughts, love those around you and know that your body can and will heal itself if given the proper tools and time. If you have been diagnosed with cancer and any other disease just remember that many before you have allowed themselves to be healed just through power that is born within them. You too can do this very thing. Fear not and listen to that small still voice within you.

Peace and Blessings.