Chapter Twelve - Wake Up: A Conversation About Body

Suddenly I was fully awake, keenly focused and my eyes and ears were aware of only her presence and her voice, my voice. The Angel, after all she was delivering a message from God, sat across from me looking into my eyes. “Let’s talk about what you know.”
With that I felt a pen in my hand and a legal pad slide underneath the pen holding it. For some reason that didn’t seem weird. “Well, I know that I have cancer. I know that some people have cured themselves of it in the past and I know that most people choose to take the more conventional route of surgery and possibly chemo and radiation. I know that insurance will pay for that but won’t pay for the un-conventional route. I also know that no doctor I have spoken with can tell me what caused the cancer in the first place. That doesn’t make sense. How can you try to fix something unless you know what the cause is? I would expect more information from a plumber or a mechanic. This is my body we’re talking about and my life. I need more info. That’s what I know.”
“See, you are on the right path. The answers that I will give you will seem simple and complex at the same time. Just take notes so that when you wake up you will remember what you said to yourself. Ready?”
“I guess. I just want answers,” and with that I wrote across the top of the legal pad. A Conversation About Body.
“Alright, your body is a very simple yet complex organism. It is used to house your mind and your soul but never to take the place of them. Your mind is an outlet for your ego. You know. The thing that makes you proud, angry, jealous as well as a multitude of other feelings based on fear. It dies with your body but it does have a tremendous amount of effect on how the body functions. We’ll get to more of that later.
“The soul or your energy is eternal. Energy never dies. It merely changes form. Think of your soul as being like water. It can be water. It can be steam. It can be ice. But it is always water and it never goes completely away it just changes form. Does that make sense so far?”
I nodded yes as I was trying to keep up with my note taking. I understood this completely. It was not necessary to go into details on this topic. “But what about the body? That’s where my challenge lies. My mind and soul don’t have the cancer my body does.”
“No, that’s where you are wrong. What you call cancer started in your mind and eventually made its way into the body. The soul being eternal doesn’t get disease. It can help you understand it if you need it to but mostly the responsibility lies with the mind.”
“I am about to say something that you are not going to understand because it goes against everything you have been taught. There is no such thing as a cancer or a disease. There are no individual ailments.”
“Yeah, I don’t understand. Millions of people every year are diagnosed with terrible diseases. They die from them. Adults and children and even babies. How can you say there is no such thing as disease?”
“I can say it because it is the truth. The human body is perfect unless you do something to cause it not to be perfect.” She was looking straight at me and I realized that she truly believed this. How could she be so sure?
She answered my unspoken question, “Creation is perfect. Perfection cannot and will not produce imperfection. It’s just not possible.”
“That can’t be true because if our bodies were perfect then we would never get sick or die. We would all live perfect lives of health.”
“It is true because free will comes into play in this equation. One perfect body plus free will equals health, sickness or death. You have the choice. From the time of your conception you chose. Not only did you choose but your mother that carried you chose. Granted, many who chose had no idea what they were doing. They just relied on information that was given to them but none-the-less they chose.”
“So, you’re saying that I chose to develop cancer?”
“No, I already told you that what you think of as cancer truly isn’t but you do have a part to play in it.”
“Okay, I guess I need to learn first what this is that I have since it’s not cancer.”

She closed her eyes as if she were trying to remember something. Something that had slipped her mind like an item on a grocery list that she had misplaced. A smile came across her face. It was the same crooked smile I had seen in the mirror whenever I had thought of something that had been hidden in the back of my memory. Something funny that I had not thought of for quite some time.
“You don’t really understand your body do you?” she said opening her eyes. “It’s not that complicated and yet you want to make it so. You see. It’s like a sponge. What you put into it is what will come out of it. Let’s say you have a sponge. If you pour water into it then when you wring it out that’s what comes out of it, water. If you pour a coffee into it then … well, you get the picture
She continued, “Kim, you and everyone inhabiting a bodily form right now are born in a body that has one purpose, one mission. That mission is to house your soul. In that mission it is given the opportunity to be born in a healthy, healing environment. It is strong, able to grow and able to aid your soul in its development. That development is to help the soul progress. Nothing more.”
She glanced over at my nightstand where there sat a small box. The box was beautifully wrapped in red shiny paper and on the top of the box was placed a small gold bow. I had not noticed the gift before. It had been placed there by my husband before we left for the airport that morning. For a moment I felt that I should open the gift but then the feeling passed and I re focused on her.
“Think of your body as the box that encases a very precious gift. That gift is wrapped so that nothing can harm it. It will be the same always and forever. The box that protects that gift can change based upon its environment. Although the gift within will remain the same the box can show signs of age, wearing, destruction. It is a strong enough box and it has been designed so that the gift will remain in tact. However, the box if subjected to negative elements can begin to fall apart. Let’s talk about your body as this box. The beautiful gold bow that has been placed upon this box is like your mind. Your mind, like the bow can become unraveled. It can lose its crispness, its shine. Both the bow and the box can withstand quite a lot of onslaught before they both begin to show signs of wear and tear and eventually break down all together.”
“Over fifty years ago we placed you into this body. At that time you promised to take care of it so that it could help your soul work towards its mission. It seemed easy enough at the time. It was easier when you were younger. As you have added each year upon your earth life it has become increasingly more difficult. We understand that. You could continue down this path of destruction and degradation but you have come to a crossroads. Your soul has asked for help and we are listening. It needs more time to complete more of its mission. It needs your body to remain intact and stronger for a bit longer. Do you understand??
I nodded my head but I really didn’t understand. I mean, I understood but I wanted to argue about what she was saying. I wanted to stand up for myself and say that it wasn’t easy living in this day and age. I wanted to argue the point of why me? I was pretty healthy. Why didn’t people who lived a lot more unhealthy lifestyle have what I have? Why was I singled out?
She smiled, and continued. “You were not singled out. Everyone that is living your lifestyle is in the same predicament as you. It has just not shown up on the surface yet. You have not been singled out. Each and every human being on the planet has the responsibility of making sure that their body remains in tact and capable of helping their soul fulfill its mission. You have not been singled out.”
I blurted out, “Then explain to me why I have cancer and my friend who thinks a cheeseburger with fries washed down with a diet soda is a balanced meal doesn’t.” There I said it. Let’s see how she answers that one.
“They can’t have cancer because there is no such thing as cancer.” She answered, no longer smiling.
“What do you mean there is no such thing as cancer? If there isn’t any cancer then what the hell are all these people dying from? What are we raising all this money for research for? Why are body parts being removed and people being subjected to all this chemo and radiation for? No cancer? What is it then?”
“There is no such thing as cancer. There is no such thing as disease. It is all in your mind.”
Now my head was reeling. This wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare. Here I was sitting in the middle of the night talking to what seemed to be myself and I was making this asinine statement about there being no disease and how it was all in my head.
Now, I was shouting. “It’s not all in my head. People are dying. It’s not all in my head. I am not willing this. I am not willing this”
She took my hand and smiled at me. “It is all in your head because your head is what has accepted this condition known as disease. Your soul knows differently. Listen carefully.”
“Your body is designed to live a healthy life and be free from disease. You have a choice in how healthy your body remains because you control what happens to. Let’s begin with how your body is made and what keeps it going.”
Your body is made so that it is what this world calls an alkaline state. Without going into scientific terms let me just tell you know in order for your body to function properly and at its highest and best use it must remain alkaline. This is based upon the environment that you have chosen to be placed into. If you had chosen a different environment then your body would have to be different. But in this environment when your body is alkaline it works better. Cuts heal faster, bones mesh faster, cells reproduce and choose to transmute into whatever cells the body needs to keep itself working in proper order. When a body is alkaline no disease appears to inhabit that body. I say appears because disease is not real. Each body has the capacity of either being diseased or healthy. Each human has the capability of health or disease. Just as each human has the capability of choosing right over wrong. Bodies are not predisposed towards disease. Bodies are designed to be healthy. You must work hard to become unhealthy. You make those choices.”
I knew this. Somewhere deep inside myself I knew this. For years I had heard my body speak to me. Whenever I ate too much meat, too many dairy products, too little fresh vegetables. It spoke to me. I heard my body cry out when I had too many glasses of wine. It whispered in my ear when I slathered too much butter on my bread. It had been writing notes to me on my skin for several years now telling me that I needed more water. The always tired look on my face and the dull look of my hair had been my body speaking to me to make better choices. I heard the messages but I found it easier to make other choices. After all, life was hard enough without these vices. Hey, it wasn’t as if I was hurting anyone. Well, no one but myself. And besides I had plenty of company. We couldn’t all be wrong could we?
“It’s not a question of right and wrong. It’s really not a question at all. It is a choice of the path you choose to take. You house your soul. Your soul needs your body in this lifetime to do what it needs to do. Your soul will live on without your body. But your body is needed to help your soul achieve what it has set out to do in this lifetime.”
What was I supposed to eat? Rabbit food? There is the issue of quality of life you know. How much fun is a life filled with looking forward to nothing other than lettuce and tomatoes?
She smiled, “Your choices have gotten your body where it is today. Your soul has cried out to us because the quality of life that you are experiencing now is not what you want to live. You are fearful, restless and frustrated. There is no quality in this life that you have chosen for yourself.”
She had a point. My life had pretty much sucked after my initial diagnosis. I can’t remember a really good day since then. Even when it seemed as if I was having a good time with friends and family I had that nagging in the back of my head that my time was limited unless I could find an answer. I was looking for an answer. Was this it? So tell me more about this alkaline thing.
“Your body is designed to be alkaline. When you are alkaline you are healthy. When your body reaches a state of acidity for a lengthy period of time it begins to show signs of wear. That period of time is different in different people. Some people live lives that are borderline acidic for so long in which their bodies are constantly trying to remain alkaline that one day their body gives up and they go to sleep that night and don’t wake up the next morning. Others are gifted with signs that you call symptoms of your body talking to you telling you that it needs help regarding the choices that you are making. It is always talking to you. Whether or not you listen is up to you. Some people find it too difficult to listen. It is their choice.”
“Signs that your body is talking to you can be a cough that won’t go away. Perhaps it is that nagging headache. That irregularity that you have been experiencing isn’t just because you need more fiber. How about your dry skin? Your hair becoming dull and starting to fall out a bit more. Sometimes your body speaks to you by making you restless at night. It screams at you to make better choices by sending you night sweats and muscles that seem to twitch uncontrollably. There are so many different ways in which your body will speak to you. If you are not experiencing a life of full health your body is speaking to you.”
It made sense but maybe it only made sense because she was explaining it. I may not remember any of this tomorrow.
“You are not dreaming, this is real, pay attention and tell others.” And with that comment she was gone.

Chapter Ten – Comfortable in Barnes and Noble

    When I feel like I am in need of answers I go to Barnes and Noble. I don't always find my answers there but I surround myself with what I feel are the answers to all the questions of the universe. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? Now that I know what I am supposed to do how do I do it? What if people don't like what I do? What if they like what I do too much? How do I teach this to my kids? How do I make money with this new found wisdom? Why do I worry about such things?

    All these questions can be answered just by strolling through my favorite Barnes and Noble. What makes it even more comforting is that I can eat and drink while I am there making my way through my self imposed labyrinth. I can't do this at my local library. They don't have a Starbucks or even a Barnes and Noble Café where I can pick up a 'tall regular drip no room for cream' (no foofy drinks for me) and a slice of pumpkin loaf. I just love the experience. I love surrounding myself with thousands of other writers, and I love the fact that even when I tell myself that everything has already been written there are people out there still pounding away at their keyboards. They cover the same topics in a different way and each month new books become available for people like me who want to plug into the wisdom and even the idiocy of the universe.

    I needed to be in B & N today. I needed to know that others had felt what I am going through. I wanted to know others suffered and searched for answers and came out at the end of their dark tunnel with a new found faith in God, the universe, their fellow man and even perhaps themselves. I was there that day looking for my answer to my question of 'What am I going to do?'

     "Yes, ma'am, how can I help you?" asked a lovely young lady from behind the customer service desk. She looked as if she was 16 years old. She reminded me of what Nancy Drew would have looked like had she been real. She was young yet very mature. Young and very intelligent. Perhaps she had the answer to what I was looking for.

    "Yes, I was looking for books with the cure to cancer in them. Do you have any of those?" I asked as if expecting a positive answer. Something like, "Yes, we have quite a few. People come in every day and buy them and then cure themselves within a week's time. They're just over here…"

"Well, we have books about cancer. Would you like for me to show you where they are?" She was young and very polite."Yes, thanks" I replied and followed her up the escalator and to health and diet section.

Do you have any idea how many books about Cancer there are? There were two full rows about cancer. Hopefully somewhere among all these books was my answer. I thought to myself if one of these books holds the answer for me then why isn't it flying off the shelves? I looked around. Perhaps no one knows about these books. As I looked I noticed that some of the books had been placed back into the shelf upside down. I guess someone had been through these looking for an answer. Did they not find it? Would I find it?

     I just knew I would find my answer there in some small insignificant tome that had been written 80 years ago and whose author was long gone. That's why the answer wasn't well known to the rest of us in this day and age. It was hidden among the older volumes. I searched. I looked with my head sideways reading the spines of the books.

    I grabbed five books that looked interesting and looked for a place to settle for the next few minutes while I looked through them. I turned the corner and there it was, the most comfortable looking chair I had ever seen. And no one sitting in it. Today must be my lucky day! Well, sort of. I made my way to the chair and placed the books at my feet. I stashed my purse to the left of me between the chair and my body and grabbed a book: The pH Miracle for Living. Hmmm. I liked the title. I needed a miracle, but I had no idea what pH had to do with it. I started to read the book.

An older woman sat in the chair next to me with her younger daughter perched on her lap looking through a children's picture book. I thought to myself, has she had cancer?
Will she have cancer one day? Will her daughter have cancer one day? Would she remember how it felt not to have cancer?

    Before cancer. Will my life's timeline now take on the acronyms BC for before cancer? What would AD stand for? After death … no … quit thinking that way. AD could stand for After denial, after doctors, after diagnosis … after diagnosis. That would make sense. What happens after diagnosis? I turned my attention back to reading the book. A few more pages later I looked up to glance at two older women having a conversation that was just above a whisper on the other side of the aisle from where I sat.

"You know she is doing remarkably well since her surgery. Poor thing, she had both breasts removed and they are about to start chemotherapy treatments. Her doctor seems to think they got it all. We visited her in the hospital last night. She looked terrible but who wouldn't after everything she has been through. We took her a birthday cake. Did you know yesterday was her fiftieth birthday. Who would have ever guessed this sort of thing would happen to her. I mean, she seemed so healthy." The other woman voiced her agreement and they walked away towards another section and hopefully found a better topic of conversation.

I could feel the relief in their voices that it was not they who were suffering from the disease. It was their friend and it was always easier to deal with if it was happening to someone else. I could not blame them for their sense of relief. I had felt the same way when I had heard of people who had been diagnosed with cancer. I was always glad it wasn't me.

    I turned back to my book and slumped a little lower into the chair. I was so tired from the stress of my search and so many sleepless nights. The chair was so comfortable. I continued my reading.

Chapter Nine – Questioning My Decision

    By the end of March the Oprah segment had aired, I had been inundated with hundreds of emails and was still searching for a cure.

    Half the emails applauded me on my choice to search for a cure, the other half either shared with me protocols that had worked for someone else or were trying to sell me some new product that would 'cure my cancer' and that I would be more than welcome to share with the rest of the world.

    Unfortunately, a few emails were mean. I have often wondered what caused these people to take the time and trouble of finding me and sharing their opinions and negative prophecies with me. I was doing what I thought was best for me and they thought it their duty and many their 'God Ordained' mission to tell me that I was killing myself.

    These negative emails were written by the kind of people who would swerve to hit animal in the road when they could easily miss it. They would run over the poor animal and then mumble about animals should not be in the road and that they saved them from a life of hunger and disease. These were those kind of people. Self righteous and self justified.

    I will never forget one email that I received where the woman actually told me that God would not heal me because I would not trust in conventional medicine. She quoted biblical scripture to back up her case. When she was finished I was the one laying broke and bleeding in the middle of her road. Tire tracks on my back and her words of self righteousness about how she saved me from a worse fate trailing behind her as she sped away crossing herself.

    I read some of these emails over and over. The positive ones kept me searching for a cure. The negative ones threw fuel on my fire anytime I questioned my decision. I would not let these doomsayers win. I would not let them do this to anyone and get away with it. How dare they have a negative effect on my life! THEY were the cancer. They were the reason no cure had been found and if found not shared. They were the reason that more and more money was being poured into 'research' and this disease was still out there.

I often asked myself why no cure had been found yet when so many people supposedly were searching for it. Maybe a cure for cancer cost too much money? Not in research, but in monies lost to those who benefit from keeping cancer alive and well. Maybe these people who wrote to me with their negative comments represented this group that fought to keep cancer in our lives.

    Only God knows; but God knows.

    

Chapter Eight – “Being Irresponsible”

    I continued my research and started to find things that I felt could make a difference in my healing. I started changing the way I ate. I was still seeing Dr. M and he had me working with a nutritionist that had started educating me on certain foods that I should stay away from. I had gotten my first thermogram and it in itself had shown me what cancer looked like. It was hot. It showed up as heat in my thermogram. To me that was an explanation of my hot flashes as well as my constant need for air conditioning. Funny, as hot as I was feeling I didn't seem to sweat much.

    By this time I had opted for the biopsy. When I made the decision to cure myself I made the decision also to have a needle biopsy performed. You can't say that you have cured yourself of cancer unless you have the proof that you had cancer in the first place. I had the biopsy on February 14^th, Valentine's Day a week after my 50^th birthday.

    By March 9^th I was well into a month of research. I had not told anyone outside of my immediate family of my decision to heal myself. Most people did not even know about my diagnosis. I decided that this was the best way to go about it. I was a pretty private person; until I received an email.

    It was sitting in my inbox and was from someone with Harpo.com. It was what seemed to be a courtesy response from my earlier email thanking me for my 'Letter to Oprah' about The Secret and that they would like a recent photograph of me. I figured that perhaps they wanted to use it for their website with their other 'Letters to Oprah' participants and I attached a recent headshot in the reply email and went about my day. I did mention to my sister that I had heard back from Oprah's people and that maybe it would be on the website in the future.

    It was about week later that I received a phone call from the Harpo organization inviting me to be on their upcoming 'Letters to Oprah' Show. The voice on the other end of the call was professional, friendly and I am certain not surprised when my answer was 'YES'! "Oprah loved my letter and wanted to have me on the show." How could I not say yes. This was the perfect opportunity to help others out there who were in the same predicament. Oprah Winfrey was known throughout the world. She could jumpstart the search for a real prevention or cure for cancer and I could share with her and her audience what I had found out!

    I have to tell you that I had written on my Vision List that someday I would be on the Oprah Winfrey Show for something I had written. Being a magazine publisher, I had always assumed that it would be a book. Never would I have thought that a late night email would land me on the show.

    The rest went pretty quickly. Medical records were sent, flight information was exchanged and brief phone interviews were performed. I was in Chicago with my sister Dana by my side by the next week.

    What happened before the taping of the show was pretty matter of fact. We arrived at DFW International Airport in Dallas and claimed our prepaid tickets; took the flight from Dallas and arrived in Chicago O'Hare where a chauffeur waited for us at the gate. We were then taken to the hotel, given vouchers for our meals and told what time we would be picked up in the morning. It was a nice little vacation for both my sister and me.

    That night I spoke over the phone for quite some time with one of the show's producers going over what I had been doing in the last month after I was diagnosed. No mention of what was going to be said, what order I was going to be on the show or anything else other than it was the 'Letters to Oprah' segment.

    The next morning a car came to pick us up and take us to the studio. We arrived at the studio went through security, signed releases and were escorted to the Green Room where I would have makeup applied and wait for the show to start. It was all very exciting!

    What happened next; even I could not have visualized. They sat us in the audience where we would watch other segments being taped. One of her producers came out and warmed up the audience to relax everyone and then they introduced Oprah. I remember thinking to myself, 'Wow, this is it." I could feel the butterflies start to flutter in my stomach. I wasn't nervous. Why should I be? Oprah loved my letter and we would just talk about how I believed that we are in control of our destinies. We would laugh about how we both believed that thoughts do become things. I would share with her the amazing things that I had found out during my month long search for a cure. We would hug at the end and she would wish me the best of luck.

    That's what should have happened. Instead, a completely different scenario took place.

As I was escorted to the famous couch on stage I was handed a piece of paper with an excerpt from my email letter that I had written. It wasn't until a few moments later that I would be asked to read those few sentences and hear those fateful words coming out of Oprah's mouth. In my recollection of that day I see and hear her speaking to the audience and I knew that things were going to be different as soon as she mentioned how concerned she was when her staff received my letter.

Then Oprah started speaking to the audience of her dismay that many people had taken the message of The Secret as being the answer to every problem known to man. People chanting their affirmations at home, seated on their couches and not doing anything to take action towards those goals. She was concerned that now I was here on the show thinking that I would be curing myself by just thinking good thoughts. She would do something different if she had been diagnosed. She would seek conventional medical care. And then she said those fateful words, "Don't you are being irresponsible?"

    It was at that moment that my experience with Toastmasters kicked in. This was however a 'table topic' that could kill me if I got it wrong. Oprah was looking at me with the question still hanging in the air. It was my turn to say something. In my head all I could think was, "I've been set up." But then my spirit rose up, grabbed my brain and I began to talk.

I told Oprah what I had been doing this past month, what I believed, what I knew in my soul to be true and how we could not make a decision based on fear. She asked me if it was about saving my breast. I told her "No, if it came down to my breast or my life I would choose my life, but it all boiled down to the right for me to choose when I had all my questions answered."

It was a blur. The taping of my segment ended. The audience clapped and I was led off Oprah's couch, her stage and into another dimension that was to become my new life.

    By the time we had reached the Green Room where we would wait for our ride back to the airport I realized that I had become the sacrificial lamb to appease the media gods. So much hoopla had centered around The Secret that the show had been catching a huge amount of flack for leading people down a path of inaction and irresponsibility. Oprah had to make people understand that it wasn't enough to just think good thoughts, you had to do something. She was able to get her point across but at what cost?

    By the time the show aired the following week I wasn't sure what would show and what would end up being edited out. Most of the interview remained intact. I was glad about that. I was able to get my point across.

    Then the hundreds of emails started pouring in and my life was forever changed.

    

Chapter Six – Surfing for a Cure

    The world wide web. It has become the great OZ of our Emerald Planet. Is there anything that you can't find through Google? Yes, you can find all sorts of answers to all sorts of questions. But you have to have discernment when it comes to what is truth and what is just someone's opinion or an outright lie.

    I don't believe everything someone tells me and I certainly don't believe it any more when it makes its way onto a blog or a website.

    Do you know how many results show up when you Google 'cancer cures'? As of this writing it is over 600,000 results. Six hundred thousand! How are you supposed to sift through all those to find the hidden pearl of wisdom? You can't. Just because a website shows up on the first page of a search doesn't mean that it is the right one.

    I have this conspiracy theory mindset going on about certain subjects on the web. I know that you can pay people to get your website to the top of a search list and I know that 'the powers that be' have everything to lose if people start looking for alternative answers to their diseases. There is a lot of money to be made from everyone but the patient when it comes to curing disease. Because of this you have to use your own intuition and discernment and you HAVE to do a lot of research.

    My challenge was that I didn't even know what I was looking for. Yes, I was looking for a cure but a cure from what? What is cancer? What caused it to come my way? It was then that I figured that what I would start looking for was the answer to my first question. What is cancer? After all, how can you cure something when you don't really know what it is or what causes it. Good idea, Kim.

    So that's where I began. I started Googling 'what is cancer?' I then used my logic to purposefully not look at any websites that were linked or sponsored by large non-profits or commercial associations that stood to make money if a cure for cancer was never found. I know this doesn't make sense to everyone, but being an entrepreneur I always knew that to find out where a problem is in any business you have to follow the money. If a business was struggling where was the money going? If a deal was cut that was not a win-win for all parties concerned (including the general population) then you had to follow the money. Where was all the money when it came to finding a cure for cancer? Who stood to benefit from a disease that went on for infinity?

    My search was on.

Chapter Five – Trying to Strike a Deal

    I am a fairly good negotiator. Well, I am when it comes to getting things for other people. For myself; not so much.

I did feel that after my diagnosis that I should have been able to negotiate a timeline for my treatment. Unfortunately, I did not have the opportunity to try my negotiation skills. I was always faced with "We need to do this within the next two weeks." Why two weeks? Why not a month? How fast was this cancer growing? Didn't it take me years to get where I am right now? Doctors don't negotiate. I guess they don't have to.

    I began to wonder if doctors try to schedule surgeries based on their own availability. If my surgeon were leaving tomorrow for a trip around the world for two months would she have given me two and a half months to get the surgery performed or would she have referred me to another doctor?

    I needed at least six months to do everything I could to find out answers to my questions, get things in order and live what was left of a possibly normal life. Would they consider giving me six months? No? Why the rush?

    Maybe some people faced with a diagnosis such as this pull out their insurance card and jump right up on the operating table. Since my insurance was limited, I wasn't going to be one of them. I didn't have the insurance and I didn't have all my questions answered.

    This may be what saved my life or at least allowed me to make my own decisions.

Chapter Four (Meeting with the Consultant)

The day arrived when I was going to have everything explained to me regarding the mammogram and sonogram that I had gone through earlier in the week. Although I wasn't really looking forward to it, I knew that it wasn't going to be as bad as I thought it was going to be. I wasn't one of those people who was always sick or had migraines or had a regular doctor even. I wasn't allergic to anything. I wasn't even overweight.

    I drove myself to my appointment. After all, it wasn't necessary for Scott to be there just to hear them say that I was going to be fine. I could call him over the phone for that. We had already discussed that we would meet after my appointment for lunch.

    I sat in the waiting room. This time I was prepared. Although I didn't bring my laptop I did bring a book. It always made me feel good to have a book on me. Sure, doctor's offices have stuff to read, but I want something of my own choosing that I can dog ear and even mark up if I choose.

I couldn't remember a time in my life when books weren't important to me. They were often the only companions I really trusted. This book I held in my hand was no different. This book would be the only witness to this meeting between me and what I had decided to call 'the consultant.' I didn't want to think of myself meeting with a doctor. Doctors weren't meant to be questioned. After all they were the 'experts.' Consultants, on the other hand, would give you their opinions and then you had the chance to ask them questions and eventually decide for yourself. I wasn't planning on dealing with anymore 'experts' I had decided to start dealing with consultants.

    I had found Dr. M through a friend. Carol owned the local herb store and someone had come by with a book written by Dr. M. In his book he talked about preventing breast cancer through proper nutrition and the use of bio-identical hormones. Carol had become intrigued and handed me the book as soon as I had told her about the initial diagnosis. After reading the book I searched out this doctor and found that he was located less than an hour from me. I called to make the appointment and was told that it would be several weeks before an opening would be available. Okay. I'll wait.

    I had promised Meria (my doctor) that I would keep her updated so I picked up the phone to give her a call. When I told her about the delay and that I was fine with it she sounded noticeably concerned that waiting that long was not a good thing. She made a couple of phone calls and was able to get me in within a week. I was almost disappointed that the she was able to get me in sooner. After all, if they didn't think it was important enough for me to come in I figured it wasn't that serious. Evidently Meria didn't think the same way I did. The day of my appointment I left my house early enough to swing by the Diagnostic center to pick up my films to take to Dr. M. I was glad not to have to be going back there and I secretly hoped that I would not run into Dr. V. I didn't want to have her ask me what I had decided to do especially since I hadn't decided to do anything yet other than stall. I picked up my films and hurriedly made my way back down the same elevator where two weeks earlier I had misplaced my brain.

    I was fifteen minutes early for my appointment with Dr. M. I had completed my paperwork prior to arriving there. This was done with the help of a fax machine and a very efficient office manager. Who ever thought you could fill out paperwork for your doctor ahead of time? Was this a sign of progress? Perhaps I am in the right place after all.

    Dr. M walked into the room and I liked him instantly. He looked at my films all the while explaining everything to me. Then he looked at my sonogram results explaining those to me also. I was waiting for him to say something like 'I don't see anything really out of the ordinary, why don't we give it a couple months and see what happens.' I was waiting for him to say it but instead he said. 'I know you don't want to hear this but I think we really need to have a biopsy done. The sooner we get the results on this the sooner we can talk about viable options.' He wrote something on my chart, smiled and said that he would have a nurse schedule me for an appointment. We talked about his book and how I found him and why I wanted to come to see him and how I thought even if it were malignant that he could cure me with nutrition and supplements and that surgery would not be necessary. His smiled faded as he began to explain to me that there was no alternative if the biopsy returned a malignant result. Surgery was necessary. Chemo and radiation however might be optional depending upon the results. The best thing for us to do right now was to send me for blood tests and then for the biopsy. We could then go from there.

    Then he said, "You are young and in good health, with surgery and all the progress that we have made in understanding cancer you could live a long and productive life."

    What was that sound? That loud thud. It sounded like the first nail being pounded into my coffin.
Long and productive life? You don't say 'could live a long and productive life' to someone who 30 minutes earlier thought the worst was behind her. My heart was racing. I know that he could tell there was something wrong since the color was now gone from my face.

    My only question, "Do you mean that I could die from this?"

    That's when he started quoting statistics on how many women survive breast cancer and lead 'long and productive lives'. How we shouldn't jump the gun until we have all the test results back and can make decisions based on facts. How I should not be worried and how we needed to take it one step at a time.

    Let's just go get the blood tests done and schedule a biopsy. He would see me after the test results had been sent back to him. He smiled, shook my hand and asked me to visit the nurse at the front who would give me my appointment for my biopsy.

Chapter Three – Breakdown Behind The Wheel)

    I found my truck, slowly climbed inside of it and pulled the seatbelt across my chest. Ouch! The strap had landed directly on the lump that was now hot and very sore. It was if a hypnotist had snapped his fingers and I had come to. Except I wasn't waking refreshed.

I came back to earth feeling numb. What had just happened? Okay. The double mammogram. The sonogram. The talk about the possibility of it being malignant…doing the biopsy. No, wait. Not doing the biopsy.

    Okay, okay. I'm in control. In my truck. In the parking lot. I started up my truck and began the 45 minute drive home. I wish I could tell you what I thought about during the drive home but I can't. I don't remember, and frankly I am not sure that it even made sense.

    I do remember thinking What am I going to tell Scott? I usually had the answers or at least several options. I had neither. Fifteen minutes into my drive I began to cry. The crying didn't last long. I had never felt comfortable as a cryer. The crying abruptly ended and then I began to get mad. I don't have time for this. I don't have insurance. I don't have the right questions to ask. Whose fault is this anyway? What did I do to deserve this? For what must have been 20 minutes I ranted and raved out loud.

    By the end I was exhausted but had calmed down considerably. My optimism kicked in. Hey, it's probably nothing. Just because Dr. V had been doing this for 10 years doesn't mean that my lump was malignant. I bet that it would be gone in a week, two weeks tops.

    With that I concluded my breakdown and started working on the conversation that I would have with Scott. I grabbed my cell phone and called him. He was so concerned that I was okay.

"How was the mammogram? …. Two times! Wow, that must have been uncomfortable. …. How are you feeling now? …You know everything will be alright. It's probably nothing. Doctors have been wrong before. … I'll see you when you get home… Drive safe. Love you … Bye."

    That was it. I was hopeful. He was hopeful. We both figured that the doctor was going to be wrong and that everything would be alright.

It was still a long drive home.

    
 

Intoduction to Cancer Angel (The Book)

I wish I could say that I started writing all of this down on the first day, but I didn't. I wish I could say that I handled everything just fine, but I didn't. I wish I could say that I have it all figured out, but I don't.

    Nevertheless, I do want to recount things as they happened for a lot of reasons. One is to get it off my chest, literally. The other is that you may be sitting there reading this book because you have been diagnosed with cancer and are in a panic and no one is alive that you can talk to that will understand exactly what you are going through. I understand now why they have those millions of different support groups.

    This is not the first book I have written. I have written others both on paper and in my mind. This one is a tough one though because unlike my others this one is about me, my feelings, my fears, my lack of control. My others were self help books for other people. This one is my own personal self help book for me.

    Where do I start? Hmmm. Well, let's start at the beginning. I have always been pretty healthy. Not marathon runner healthy but healthy. I wasn't a druggie, not even prescription. I ate fairly healthy, or so I thought. I exercised when I thought about it, which wasn't all that often, but I wasn't a slob. One thing that I was and still am is optimistic. At least on the outside. Most people you meet when all of this is over will tell you that I am or was the most optimistically energetic person they know or knew --- depending upon the outcome of all of this. See, I told you it was on the outside.

I will tell you that I noticed the lump, a small one, a year before I really NOTICED the lump. A little background is needed here. In 2004 I treated myself to breast implants. Honestly, after the initial pain and getting used to them I can tell you that at the time it was the best thing that I ever did to improve my looks and the way I felt about myself. That's neither here nor there. But, because of the breast implants (saline) I had been instructed by my doctor to massage them regularly. It was during one of the massages that I noticed the small lump.

    Years prior I had read or heard or been told that drinking a lot of caffeine was the cause of lumps within the breast. So I chalked the small lump that I had found up to the six or more cups of coffee I drank every day. I didn't drink the cheap stuff either. Starbucks was a regular hang out for me. And there were no fancy, diluted drinks in my order. It was always a tall, regular drip with no room for cream (bold). Anyway, the lump must have been extra caffeine hanging around my system. I went about my business and told myself that I would cut back on the java.

    As the months went by I noticed that the lump would come and go (maybe I just thought it did). Well, anyway, one day I noticed that it had gotten a little larger. I had put on a few pounds so I thought perhaps that was the reason. Was I feeding this lump? I told myself that I would need to start exercising more and not eat late at night.

    Okay, so now I have cut back on the coffee and started eating a little better. Not much cutting back on the coffee and not much eating better but hey, I still looked and felt okay.

    Each time I stepped out of the shower I felt for the lump. As the days passed I was hoping that each time I felt for it that it would have disappeared into thin air. After all, I was a pretty positive person. You could will these things into existence and you can will them out of existence too. I guess I wasn't 'willing' in the right way. You can't will something out of existence if you are constantly thinking about it. Can you?

 

And so my story begins ….

Who Am I?

A Spirit who has come to this earth plane to learn a lesson of process. My process has to do with self understanding. I have come to help others find their way also. Not by leading but by being a light so that they can see their own path. Some will be travelling the same path as I. Some will journey towards different paths. My mission is to find my path and follow it and at the same time be a light for others. My mission is not to judge but to only light their way. I am not here to lead, therefore; I cannot and will not fear the pressure of leadership. I am not the standard by which others will hold themselves. I am only a light. The more I live my mission of self understanding the brighter my light will shine.

Wake Up: A Conversation About Thoughts

So many of you have written me about my book that I thought I would go ahead and put one of the most important chapters of it online for you. Here it is.

You have cancer. These have to be three of the most terrifying words in any language. I know that they were for me. I won’t bore you with the details of why I went to the doctor, how I was diagnosed and the several weeks that followed of my sleepless nights, my thoughts of why me and the fear that was deposited into my heart when I was told that if I did not do what the doctors suggested that I do I could be dead in a year (or sooner). I won’t bore you with that because frankly if you have been told you have cancer you don’t need a repeat of what you just went through, are going through or will go through and really you don’t have the time to waste your energy on negatives. What I am going to do is share with you what I did to take myself from a cancerous state to a non-cancerous state in 9 months time. You have chosen to spend your time to find an answer and I will not disappoint you. If you are willing to mentally take my hand and let me lead the way for you I will take you through this dark tunnel that you are in right now and we will both step out into the light of life once more. Take my hand and let us begin on this journey. I have travelled this path and I know how you feel, what you are thinking and just how afraid you are right this minute. Don’t be afraid. Fear is not a part of our journey together. Let’s get started …

First of all, if you were sitting across the table from me right now I would look into your eyes and tell you that you can be healthy again. You can live a life that is even better than the one you were living before you received your diagnosis. As a matter of fact you were responsible for this diagnosis in the first place. Wait a minute, before you throw this book away; let’s chat a bit about why you are where you are.

No matter what diagnosis you have received you caused it by choices you made in your life. One thing I know for sure is this. When I was diagnosed and I went searching the world over to find a cure I spoke to a lot of doctors. I had told myself that if I could find a doctor who could tell me what caused this cancer that I would listen to him/her about how to get rid of it and how to prevent it from happening again. Do you know what I found out? No one that I was talking to knew. Not one of them who were suggesting that I get surgery and use chemo/radiation to combat this disease could tell me what caused it. Oh sure, they said things like heredity, poor health habits (smoking, drinking, etc), too much sun exposure, etc. But not one of them could really tell me what cancer is and why it had picked me out and how I was going to get rid of it and have it never, ever come back. They gave me statistics on survival rates that really weren’t all that promising. Who wants to live in fear that if they do get rid of it this time that it might come back two, ten, twenty years from now? I needed an answer and I needed it quick. Are you where I was?

Now, if you are one of those people who want to blame someone else for your cancer and want someone else to fix it for you then you might as well stop reading. You are not going to like what you are about to read. But if you are willing to take responsibility for getting where you are right now then you will be able to turn things around and choose to never go down this road again.
First things first. Right now say to yourself and write it down in the margins of this book. “At this very moment I realize that I am responsible for bringing this cancer into my body. Because I am responsible for it being here I am also responsible for getting rid of it. I accept full responsibility and am up to this challenge”.

Congratulations! You have just taken the most important step towards healing.

In order to take the second step I will need for you to get out a piece of paper (you can write on the back of this page if you want) and draw a vertical line down the middle of the page that will give you two columns. Now at the top of the left column right down the words ‘why I want to be healed’ and at the top of the right column right the words ‘why I want to have cancer’. I know. This is not going to be easy but stick with me. I did this myself and it helped me immensely
And it will help you.

Let’s begin writing. Write all the reasons you want to be cured --- actually these are reasons to live and happy and healthy life. I wrote things down like growing old with my husband, seeing my son get married and have children, building and living in a cabin on the side of a mountain in Colorado, having my grandchildren visit me during the holidays, making a difference in the world, etc. You get the drift of what to write. Write down whatever comes to your mind on why you want to live. When you have written down everything you can think of – this should be a long list – put down your pen.

Now, let’s talk a bit before we tackle the right side. This isn’t going to be easy but it has to be done. This is where you will have to be honest with yourself. Look, it’s not as if you will have to show this list to anyone else. Be honest. If you can’t be honest you can’t be healed. We all have two people living inside our bodies. We have the person who everyone else sees and then we have the person who is made up of all the things that we don’t like about ourselves. I want to talk to that person. That person is the one who will need to fill out the right side of the page.

Need help. Okay. I will bare my soul to help you. I am an overachiever. I have always been conscious of what other people thought of me. I lived my life to please others and I always needed the approval of others to give me my feeling of self worth. No one made me feel that way. I chose this for myself. Well, because of this choice I made, I developed through the years a deep seeded feeling of resentment. It was so deep that I didn’t even know I had it until I started trying to figure out why I had brought the cancer into my life. Now, with resentment comes this not so little thing called revenge. After all, if you resent something it’s certainly not because you love it. I resented that I worked so damn hard. I resented that I was getting older and didn’t have the things in live that I really wanted (not that I really knew what those were). I resented that I couldn’t say no to people without feeling guilty. I resented a lot of things (most of which didn’t make sense) but this list doesn’t have to make sense. Remember that, write down everything even if it doesn’t make sense. Somewhere in your brain it makes sense that’s why you feel this way.

Now, take a deep breath and get ready for this next shocker. Your revenge that you have planned because of this resentment is that you will somehow not be here to be taken advantage of and the world and all the people in it that make you feel this resentment will miss you and realize how hard you worked and all the sacrifices you made for them. The world will be sad and you will have gotten your revenge but in a way that people will feel sorry for you. You will not have to be strong anymore because you have cancer. You finally have an excuse to say no, you have a reason for the kids to come and visit or you spouse to take time away from work, sports and friends; to come to your aid and hold your hand and tell you how brave you are being. You have all these reasons for people to surround you and not take you for granted any longer. Pretty sick, huh? You don’t do this on purpose, or at least not consciously, but you are doing this.

Write this list down. You can’t go any further on your journey until you get things right with yourself. Shakespeare was a healer when he wrote ‘to thine own self be true’. Be truthful. Be brutally honest. This is going to save you.

Now put your pen down. Look at your list for your reasons for living. By now, if you are like me you have tears in your eyes but you may also have a smile on your face. All these reasons for living are what will keep you going on your journey towards healing. Now read through your list of why you brought on the cancer. Is there anything on that list that is more important than your living list? Is there anything on your ‘cancer’ list that is worth dying for?

At the bottom of the ‘living’ list I want you to write these words: “I am willing to do whatever it takes no matter how hard to make these things come true. I want to live a happy and healthy life.”

On the bottom of the ‘cancer’ list I want you to write: “I will be true to myself. I will say no. I will be the best me I can be and know that it is good enough.”

Now fold this paper in half dividing the two columns and put the list where you can read the ‘life’ column every day. Feel free to add other reasons for living as you continue on your journey. If you do happen to think of another reason you brought on the cancer add that to the ‘cancer’ list. From now on you will be true to yourself, you will no longer resent anyone else, your life or yourself. You will concentrate on your ‘life’ list.

You must hold yourself accountable to the promise that you made to yourself at the bottom of each list. No one else can do this for you.

Ready, to continue on our journey?

By now, you might be saying to yourself, I need to know how to cure this cancer. I don’t need to do any psychological work. Well, the work we just did has laid the groundwork for everything that comes after it. Your success hinges on your ability to stay the course. You are about to learn things about cancer that will blow your mind. Ready?

To be continued

The Hidden Book

I am sitting here at Starbucks, sipping on my peppermint tea and typing away on my little Neo realizing how wonderful life is right now. I am placing the finishing touches on my book and I have a long list of people already interested in purchasing it the minute it comes out. I am healthy and happy and compared to this time last year I am rocking and rolling.

This time last year I was exhausted and near panic. I had given myself until October to find the answer to my question of ‘what is cancer’ and more importantly ‘how can I cure myself of it’. I had promised friends and family that if I did not have my answers by October that I would have the surgery that the doctors were still pleading with me to have. It was a surgery that I did not want. After all, who in their right mind wants a partial radical mastectomy followed by chemo or radiation? I was running out of time and I needed an answer fast. I had exhausted most of my leads and was now down to daily searching of the internet for new blogs, press releases, anything that had to do with cancer and its possible cure.

I was sitting in my office twirling around in my chair like a four year old visiting her mom at the office. I had my clown nose on. Yes, you read right. My clown nose. It's red and is made of foam with a little slit in it that opens up just enough for my nose. I keep it in my desk and I pull it out and put it on whenever I feel that I am getting too serious about the cancer.

I know, cancer is supposed to be serious, but I always felt that I didn’t need to take it too seriously. Taking it seriously gave it more power and I didn’t want to give it any more power than it already had over my life. So the red foam clown nose is my cloak of invisibility. Whenever I wear it I become invisible to the cancer and anything that had to do with it. It keeps me safe and hidden away from the negative emails and letters that I received every day from ‘well meaning’ people who said that they were praying for me and that God wanted me to have the surgery and God made Doctors so that they could help people like me. I always laughed at this notion that God created cancer just so that he could keep the doctors busy. This was crazy talk but I was the one wearing the clown nose!

I finished my playtime with my nose and my chair and leaned back on my desk. I was facing my bookshelf. Now, I have to tell you that I am quite proud of my personal library. I believe that you can tell a lot about the personality of someone by looking at their library or lack of one. My library literally spoke volumes about me. It said I was hopeful, always searching, open minded, thoughtful and funny. It also said that I've been a reader all my life; a propensity that I received from my parents. If you can read and comprehend, you can find the answers to all life’s questions and teach yourself how to do anything.

That’s when I saw it. A paperback that had been slid pretty tightly, maybe even forced into much too small of a space, and placed upside down. I had to tilt my head to the left in order to read its spine. The pH Miracle by Dr. Robert O. Young and Shelley Redford Young. I remembered this book. I bought it several years ago looking for the secret of weight loss and had read half way through the book and decided that the program in the book was much too hard for someone who really was only wanting to lose five pounds. Ultimately, never having been known to throw away a book, I shelved it and forgot all about it.

So here I was head tilted looking at the book. I pulled or rather pried the book from the shelf and read the front, The pH Miracle, Balance Your Diet, Reclaim Your Life … hmmm, wasn’t that what I had been seeking desperately to do? Reclaim my life? I started reading and it all came back to me. This made total sense to me. It wasn’t written by a medical doctor but by a microbiologist and a nutritionist. These were people who weren't looking to turn me towards more surgery or chemo or radiation. They were just explaining to me what cancer was and wasn’t and how I could change my body so that the ‘cancer’ would not be part of it any longer.

I dove into the book and when I finally surfaced for air I was a different person. I had the hope. I had the courage; but most of all I had the answers. Take a deep breath and smile. Things are only going to get better. :) Peace and Blessings.

My Cute Little Water Machine

I just recently hooked up my new water filter system in my kitchen. It's a cute little filtering machine that sits on my kitchen counter. It takes my Texas well water (which isn't bad to begin with) and filters it and then makes it alkaline. Not only does it make it healthier for me but it makes it taste really smooth.

For those of us who want to get and remain healthy we know that you must keep your body alkaline. Many of you reading this may not know what that means so I will go through a quick lesson. Your body is designed to be alkaline. In the normal course of our daily lives we eat foods and drink drinks that are acidic. We also do things like get stressed out, become insomniacs and think negative thoughts. All of which are acidic and cause our bodies to become acidic also. When our our bodies become acidic the natural mechanism is for it to try and become alkaline again. In order to do this it has to take alkaline from parts of the body in order to balance out the alkaline level of the blood (you see the blood must remain a certain level of alkalinity or we can die). I don't want to go into the scientific explanation of this and if you are interested you can visit a website that can explain it all at http://www.phmiracleliving.com/. In a nutshell you must stay alkaline to stay healthy. If you don't, your body begins to deteriorate. It also starts depositing acid in the places in your body that may we weak. This acid can lead to all sorts of ailments including what conventional medicine calls cancer. Alkalarians - people who know the importance of staying alkaline - call cancer, 'latent tissue acidosis'. This translates to too much acid in your body. Think about it. If 'cancer' or 'latent tissue acidosis' is caused by too much acid in the body then it stands to reason that the 'cure' would have something to do with getting rid of the acid and replacing it with alkaline. Why don't more people know about this? Well, it could be because it takes a lifestyle that really goes against our fast food, over processed, microwaved have to eat everything in a hurry society AND there is not much money in people changing the way they eat in order to rid themselves of disease.

Anyway, back to my cute little machine. I hooked this thing up and in a few seconds I had alkaline water. I can get various levels of alkaline water from it for drinking and using in food and I can even get acid water to use on plants, skin, etc. Great stuff when used properly. I am keeping detailed records as to how I am feeling with the water. I have noticed that it quenches my thirst a lot quicker than regular water or anything else for that matter. It also seems to be hydrating me more. For those of you who are interested in the kind of machine I have you can visit their website and get all the answers to your questions about drinking alkaline water and even what you can do with the acid water from the machine. The website is http://www.ionizers.org./ The machine I have is a Melody.

If you want to rid yourself of disease or just stay healthy and live a life of quality then check out all the information about alkaline vs acid on the web. Until next time, Peace and Blessings!